By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"I went up to Memphis
And I met Delia there
Found her in her parlor
And I tied to her chair...
First time I shot her
I shot her in the side
Hard to watch her suffer
But with the second shot she died"

-"Delia's Gone" by Johnny Cash

Delia is "low down and trifling." She's the kind of evil that makes Cash want to "grab his submachine." So Cash finds her in her parlor, ties her up, kills her, and then has a long stay in prison. It's all sung pretty matter-of-factly. I bring this up because this reminds me a lot of Joe planning to kill Steiner live on PPV. It's not very often that you have another wrestler holding a knife to another wrestler's throat and promising to kill them at a PPV. How it was treated as just "ho-hum." But first I got to heap some praise on Jack Swagger.

It's blasphemous to start comparing Jack Swagger to Kurt Angle's start in the WWE (Jack doesn't really have a stand-out character nor a commanding presence on the mic), but what I like about Jack "Solid" Swagger is that he is very sound in the ring. He can tell a story in the ring and really that's what it's all about. I'm used to WWE bringing in guys with a gimmick and two goofy moves and...

Holy moly. Currently I'm watching Heath Ledger's performance in "The Dark Knight." But back to ultra-serious wrestling boo hah.

So Jack has definitely won me over. I don't doubt that Christian is going to greener pastures. Christian wrestled that match as if he was applying for a Smackdown role. I haven't seen a wrestler sell an arm injury like that in a long time.

There's a hidden force deep within Matt Striker to talk about how "if only that arm wasn't injured, he could have gotten the three count" on nearly every match.

Swagger looks to be the real deal. I just hope five years from now we don't find out that he was miserable all of the time and spent most of his off time drinking vodka (credit to blogs.mirror.co.uk for pic). (Editor's note: Brock Lesnar on vodka and pain pills to ESPN.)

On Wednesday of this week my father got knee surgery. He tried to tough it out (he said he was going to go back to work on Monday) but reality soon slapped him in the face. When wrestling mags like "WWE Magazine" talk about how tough wrestlers are compared to football players, it's a chump move. Wrestlers know that "out of sight is out of mind." And possibly out of a job. It's the nature of the beast. So while indeed wrestlers are tough for working with injuries, they often do so in putting great harm on their body. It's unwise to keep putting your body through trials when you need work done...but it's the nature of the game.

The main knock against Goldberg in my book is that he injured Bret Hart. It will be interesting to see what happens to Mike Knox after his match with Jamie Noble. It's impossible to have every match run smoothly and there are going to be times when freak injuries will occur. Sometimes adrenaline causes poor judgment. Other times it's just dumb moves that cause no wonder why they injured the wrestler.

But it would be a sight to behold to watch if Jamie Noble does show up on Raw. Out comes Jamie Noble, who last week was carted away off television screens because "the show must go on." And then he gets squashed again. I would praise Noble for coming back but I would be harsh on WWE. Mostly because I'm a Jamie Noble fan.

It's like when WCW completely missed the boat when Foley lost half of his ear wrestling Vader. Hell, WWE had a Brock Lesnar vs. Hardcore Holly match built on Lesnar breaking Holly's neck. Who knows what they are going to do with Knox.

ECW hit a lull a few months back with Finlay-Henry madness, but it looks like it is hitting its stride. It's not limping towards the draft.

ECW VERDICT: A Little Absurd

Onto Impact...we have the very somber opening. Perhaps an empty arena match at the PPV. You know. Have security escort people out for the Sting vs. Angle match. Big question: can TNA resist the urge to have Foley be the special guest badass enforcer for Sting vs. Angle? What do you think?

TNA: "Aren't you all up in arms about the heel turn of Madison Rayne?" I suppose I would care more if I knew who Rayne was. It would be like reading the newspaper and glancing at the headline, "Citizen Becomes A Douchebag, Nobody Cares."

I know that TNA bookers assume that wrestling fans have a five-second attention span, but this is beyond warp speed. This is "ludicrous speed." You might as well just saved time and had Rayne rip off a shirt to reveal another shirt underneath that said, "I'm heel now." I'm complaining that the heel turn wasn't done faster. Come on! It should be done in 30 seconds, tops! It's also nice to know that the dramatic heel turn of evil Rayne will probably be forgotten in the following weeks by both fans and TNA. But it's not the first time that TNA have shown stuff that they won't follow up on for various reasons.

Example? Where's Kiyoshi? You know. Got those Rough Cuts about him last month. Team 3D? And for the love of all that is good, when is Cute Kip going to be in the main event?

Steiner talks to the cops about how the girl said she was 19. Booker shows the cops the scene of the crime. You know, I see that a lot. Not the hanging around jailbait, but having cops come to the compromised scene of the crime. It's not like they have visual proof or anything of the hero A.J. stealing the belt or attacking Booker.

A.J. cut a promo at Against All Odds talking about how he grew up dirt poor and how he wants to become a legend. So the moral of the story is...it's okay to steal things and attack rich people from behind if you grew up dirt poor?

A.J. Styles gonna steal my baby and hold it for ransom, man. He's a rebel without a plausible clause. "I live on the edge, man! I steal worthless items and attack people from behind! Arrghhh!" This picture sums up who TNA's edgy faces are: Perceived as dangerous, but actual pathetic bums. This might be the future of A.J. (docfilms.uchicago.edu for pic).

"Hey, man. I could be TNA World Heavyweight Champion one day. I'm edgy. I steal huggies, tinfoil belts and gold medals". (Bonus points if you can name the movie. The winner will receive an absurd non-prize. Get crackin').

This is TNA. There used to be a stretch where it was unfathomable that wrestlers would watch a replay of what happened. This was especially evident in So Cal Val-Macho Man ripoff-Sonjay "Top Heavy" Dutt. "I can't find the ring! Wait, I know! Let's have a ladder match for the ring!"

Baby steps, folks. Baby steps. TNA has only been in business for seven years. Roughly, that means that they only have the intelligence of a 7th grader in wrestling company school. That's true. I didn't make that up at all. Just wait and be patient. Surely five years from now they will be smarter. Soon they will have a Master's degree in booking with a minor of storyline execution. Just be patient. They're going to blow your mind.

Mmmm...custard filled donuts. Where's the love for fat guys in wrestling? They keep having Steiner call Joe fat but he's not fat. He's this ultimate badass that eats babies. He's gonna gut Steiner like a fish. He's gonna stab Steiner in the artery vein! Whoo!

Maybe at the PPV they can show a video package of Joe throwing Steiner off the roof of the arena. Or shoot him gangland style.

A.J. and Joe were taken off of TV months ago. They were at best whiny snots who I was glad to see get beaten by MEM. They repackaged A.J. and Joe as...dangerous whiny snots. I can sure cheer for dumbass punks.

I mean, I will be heavily depressed if Joe doesn't kill Steiner on that PPV. I can see it now. Video skits of Joe being sentenced to prison for the murder of Steiner. In the courtroom, TNA can have some of its wacky zany characters show up and testify against/for Joe. Can't you just imagine the comedic genius shown by LAX, Abyss, Kurt Angle, and Jay Lethal? Joe screaming, "this is bulls--t! What, we can't kill people in the wrestling ring? Bulls--t! I'll kill you all!" Maybe before Joe kills Steiner he can cut a promo just like the Joker did in "The Dark Knight:"

"You want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savor all of the...little...emotions."

Joe can spend some time in the pokey. Video packages of him being the baddest man behind bars. Steiner can be brought back to life because he had a clone made of himself. A witch doctor performed a ancient ritual. Aliens. Or one of his old jailbait girls had a son who looks exactly like him. Comic book storylines deal with characters dying and being reborn countless number of times. I'm sure it can be done.

The whole Joe-Steiner thing just tickles my fancy. It's campy and over-the-top. If I actually cared about Steiner or Joe I would be up in arms in how dumb the whole thing is (case in point, I rallied hard against Trips trying to kill scared bunny wabbit Orton because I am emotionally invested in this feud). Joe-Steiner? The more absurd the better. Weird thing about wrestling content: sometimes the content shown is laughable and absurd, but they try to pass it off as realistic. That's how I take some wrestling angles: as pathetic jokes.

That's another one of my wishes for TNA. Joe and A.J. win at the next PPV. No bull, no teasing, no lengthening for a future date. MEM shouldn't stand for MEM Every Moment. It won't hold fans forever.

Off The Wagon challenge. TNA must be a great place to work for. You always run the risk of getting fired, their security team is a joke, nobody truly knows who runs the company, and there's the mysterious "TNA Management" that Corny sometimes refers too (he might as well be talking about a group of magical druids).

But good news is that you can be shoved right into the championship title picture, even if you don't really deserve it (as shown by Rhino vs. Sting, Team 3D vs. Sting/Angle).

I think even the team of Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade got some clean wins, even though they were evil heels. Beer Money aren't really known as TNA tag team champions. They are the "dudes with really lame finishes."

Good move with TNA applauding itself with Dixie Carter talking about all of their accomplishments, like moving to HD and at least realizing that fans don't want to see massive ref incompetence on every Impact. But are those really accomplishments? Name me five top feuds in 2008 for TNA. I can only think of Joe-Angle. Foley's right in talking about how MEM is the bread and butter of TNA nowadays. Because the alternative is things like Joe as a paper champion or Angle family soap opera nonsense.

Wrestling fans are not really known for their patience. It's all well and good that "the big payoff" is going to come down the road. But there are some problems with just "waiting for the payoff." One, waiting for this MEM payoff wouldn't be so bad if the rest of Impact wasn't so trivial and drab. Second, every show and every PPV should at least strive to be the best damn show in the world.

As long as they give the impression that they value their viewers, loyalty to TNA will grow. It's akin to watching a bad football team who promise fans that things will be better next season. As long as they put in the effort it's fine. But when the work is constantly sloppy and management keeps making very unwise decisions time after time again, that's bad (e.g. Oakland Raiders).

Dixie's hammy letter and Foley's "wait for payoff" spiel was interesting. But there's "we're the underdog and while we make mistakes, we try our best" and then there's "we have contempt for our audience and we truly don't give a rat's ass about the quality of our product, as long as eyes are glued to the screen."

Jeff Jarrett: the best con man in the business. It's always nice to treat fans like family. Family that has to move out of the house when Uncle Angle and Father Sting have to fight.

Beef between Don West and Mike Tenay is actually the second biggest feud in TNA right now. Don't know where they quite are going with this. I'm hoping that they change the announcing style a bit. Like in actually focusing on the match instead of talking about Governor Blagojevich during an X Division match, magically knowing the emotions and thoughts of the wrestlers, and telling fans what they should feel and think. I would love to hear Tenay say one of my favorite wrestling lines: "I've lost all objectivity, and I don't give a damn! This sucks!"

Remember when the Knockout Division had balls? "We're not the WWE Divas!" they taunted. Nowadays, ugh. While WWE divas might wear shiny pants and do cartwheels, at least their matches are not complete throwaways. That Kongtourage match...Knockouts matches used to be the calling card of TNA. Now they are bathroom breaks. I actually want to see if they can keep this up the whole year of 2009. Have filler for a month, Kong defeats random wrestler at PPV, repeat.

Suicide as X Division champion? That's one of my goals for TNA. To have a month-long X Division storyline. I already know that they won't hype up big PPV type matches for next week if they don't involve MEM.

Steiner should think about turning himself in. I can only assume that he had sex with underage girls. A lot. Like his entire career. He'll get 10 to 20 years in prison. Then he'll finally be safe from the young, edgy but morally corrupt Joe. Actually Steiner and Booker were pretty funny in their bits.

Sting vs. Angle is gonna blow your mind. It's going to be like two Roman gods going at it. Two massively powerful gods. One's delusional, batty and dating Khan. The other one will be wearing a shirt and KISS makeup.

IMPACT VERDICT: Truly Beautiful In Its Absurdity

Cena coming to Smackdown? Matt vs. Jeff? Forget these! I've been waiting all week for the Gail Kim video package! Whoo!

Cena comes to Smackdown to run into a brick wall. "Buh I was promised a title shot! Wah!" Geez, Cena. Pull an Orton. Threaten to sue the WWE and stop WrestleMania if you don't get your title shot tonight.

They need to make Edge-Cena more personal, other than just Cena saying, "I don't want the little tykes to get depressed over the fact that a coward is world champion." We know you are moving this feud with the speed of a sloth. Just give us something to chew on.

Surprising win for Carlito and Primo over JoMizzy. This might be the first relevant tag team feud for JoMizzy in quite awhile. Cryme Tyme? Nothing special. Good stuff here.

WWE's love for Kozlov is sometimes sickening. I guess I just don't care much for Kozlov's cartoonish character. Keep it locked on WWE to find out what role Kozlov will be in at WrestleMania.

"Uhhhhhmaga!" Just another roaming mid-card monster heel that will probably move to ECW. Colt Cabana's biggest move in the Dubya Dubya E was a butt slam.

Jeff vs. Matt was thankfully a no-go. Next you know they will hype up Triple H vs. Orton at the next Raw. I have a big brother and there have been times when quite frankly I think he deserves another shot in the stomach by me. Fans are still waiting for the outcome of "who attacked Jeff." The "I won't fight my own flesh and blood" was also used by Undertaker when his brother Kane came in.

WrestleMania V: "The Mega-Powers Explode!" Always liked that tagline (credit to retrojunk.com for pic).

WrestleMania XXV: "The United States Championship Chumps Explode!" Nearly every year it's a given that Shelton will be in the Money in the Bank match. Can't see MVP, Shelton and Chavo wrestling a triple threat match at Mania.

Vickie will keep having Cena jump through hoops before he can wrestle Edge for the world title. Down the road the mysterious "WWE Board of directors" will say that Vickie has abused her powers and thus Cena vs. Edge is guaranteed for WrestleMania.

Smackdown was pretty good. Sub-standard opening and ending, but good, meaty stuff in the middle saved the day. Kind of like this absurd article. I'll rate this article as "In The Middle Of Absurdity." FINAL SAY: This article was truly a painful experience to read. It made me want to gouge my eyeballs out. The crappyness of it made me want to shove sharp objects into my head and light my balls on fire. I hate everything. Wah.

I miss Festus and Jesse's "Biscuits and Gravy!" song. I sing that where ever I go. I had somebody the other day laugh at me for doing so. So I go up to them, hold a knife to their throat, and promise that they're going to get killed by me next Sunday, live on PPV. Then I steal their tinfoil belt like A.J. and run away like Orton.

SMACKDOWN'S VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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