By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

Don't talk about anything else, we don't want to know!
We're dedicated to our favorite shows!

WWF! Temptation Island! VIP!
We sit glued to the TV all night, and every night!

Why go into the outside world at all? It's such a fright!
I don't even bother to use my brain anymore!
There's nothing left in it!

-"TV Party" by Black Flag (on the album "Rise Above")

Linda McMahon can soothe investors about how marketable the WWE product is, but wrestling still has that stigma of "trash TV."

Although, to be fair, we have some people in wrestling that uses "them big college fancy words." Sometimes you will get somebody like Jericho or Edge dropping a "sycophant" on you during a promo, but many wrestlers are portayed as big dumb animals who do all of their thinking with their fists. It's an unfair portrayal. The movie "Beyond The Mat" had a bleeding Spike Dudley quoting Shakespeare from memory.

On ECW: Matt Hardy to face Kozlov at Armageddon. He's getting main event pushes yet frankly fans feel he is just ordinary in the ring.

credit to i85.photobucket.com

Obvious that Snitsky was headed out the door. Jimmy and Kung Fu Naki face JoMizzy. The old tag team of Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang could have had a chance.

Boogeyman returns, but I found my clipboard (I take notes on the show) more interesting. So would the crowd, it seems. Mark Henry's old school promos are nice, but the plodding action in the ring? Not so nice. Wasn't the best effort by ECW. ECW fans get to feast on the prospect of Jack Swagger (with his Rage Against The Machine song) to interfere with Matt vs. Kozlov. Would be nice if ECW actually had a WrestleMania match that wasn't filler.

ECW VERDICT: Very Absurd

TNA is seemingly doing this thing now where they pick up a face that hasn't been really featured very much and shove him into the spotlight. Once they have no more use for him, back into near obscurity he goes. Last month it was Rhino. Is this the month of Brother Ray?

credit to gamingring.com

I think why people don't like it when Angle mentions to visit Jarrett's daughters is mainly because TNA seems to be grasping at straws here. It's cheap heat. The more Angle keeps mentioning it does not really bother me. (If he mentioned Jarrett's wife, that would too.) It's an empty threat. Angle keeps saying it because not one single employee in TNA can think up a better way for Angle to get heat. I want Angle foaming at the mouth and giving 20 seconds full of bleeps (along with obscene hand gestures).

Nash's low blow might have been more controversial if they didn't show the same type of finish nearly every 30 minutes on their programming. What was controversial about it is that TNA didn't have the excess junk in the finish. Wrestling companies sometimes do that. They go ahead and "write in" how the audience reacted to a storyline development.

TNA is also trying out this deal where they have a sidebar at the bottom announcing what will happen later in the show.

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In the next paragraph, a piece about Frontline vs. MEM!
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So let me get this straight: Frontline and MEM want to destroy each other. Ok. But they can't destroy each other too much "because it might destroy TNA" and they will have to go work for the WWE. Uh huh. I'm not real sure why Frontline and MEM are fighting anyway. Seems to me that it is more trouble than it is worth. Should be a team called "We Don't Care" where wrestlers just show up, work a two-minute match, and get paid.

Maybe with this "X Division Championship" tournament the X Division belt can mean something again. Sometimes it feels like TNA and WWE writers are copying off of each other. Casket match with Taker and Big Show? Cue up the casket funeral for Christian Cage. IC Tournament? Cue up the X Division Tournament. Eh, it's probably just my imagination.

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Coming up next, an analysis about the Al Snow one-night deal!
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The Al Snow thing was a one-night only deal apparently. It was both good and bad. On one hand fans don't know what to expect during PPVs, but it is also training fans to watch the entrance ramp instead of watching what is happening in the ring. The Al Snow deal was tacky.

What's interesting is that TNA is actually keeping the Motor City Machine Guns storyline along with the Abyss/Morgan vs. Beer Money bit. Used to just seeing one month feuds.

I call upon TNA to indeed cross the line and to do one show where there is less than 10 minutes of wrestling. We are already getting 20 minutes of wrestling, but most of the time its junk matches that mean squat. Cross the line! Have the whole show just be talk, talk, talk!

"Sarah Palin" vs. "Rod Blagojevich," live only on PPV!

Brutus Magnus? Big ups for not going the "Jack Swagger" or "D.J. Gabriel" route. How about "Chubby Wubby"?

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In 20 seconds, a bit about Black Reign!
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"The Beer Bottle on a Pole Match" at least worked into the character of James Storm (he's a drunk cowboy). Kaz vs. Black Reign on a "Mousetrap on a pole match" for the custody of some damn precious mouse...my head hurts.

I like "Cross the line" better than "WWE Universe." Originally TNA's motto was "We Are Wrestling" which, ha ha ha, cough, cough quite frankly they're not, but it gives more insight into what the company is. "Cross the line" could well be "Do something stupid!"

IMPACT VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

If you haven't tried out Torch Trivia, give it a shot. I got one right and one wrong. It's pretty tough to figure out. What band had the hit "Rap Is Crap" back in the 90s? What did each letter of the WWF women's group P.M.S. stand for? What was the name of the guy who wore a cheese outfit during Al Snow's and Steve Blackman's match at WrestleMania 2000?

WWE could start calling Smackdown "smack," but that would be a drug reference. Looks like they are setting things up for a Jeff win at WrestleMania. Ah, Vickie's long hair. Ah, Vickie's screeching. Holy moly it's Dean Malenko. I remember his short-lived "James Bond" character.

MVP: "I have to feed my family!" What a missed opportunity to do some video packages where MVP complains that he cannot buy fuel for his yacht or no longer can get $1,000 haircuts. Showcase match here for MVP, but he falls due to the dreaded "roll up pin" out of nowhere. I am warming up to this side of his character.

MVP breaks down in the ring and talks about his bad luck. Not sure if the broken microphone was planned or not, but it was amusing that MVP just can't catch a break. How much longer are these Mr. Kennedy movie plugs going to be out? It's not even January and I am already dead set of not watching it. TNA falls into the trap of overbooking, WWE falls into the trap of overexposure.

I nearly went blind with the Raw video packages. I will never get why video directors feel the need to ruin things by trying to be edgy.

I give the "preacher" wrestler some props. His voice is spooky. "I have waited for 10 years to rain upon damnation upon unfortunate souls. But don't worry. Your sins won't go unpunished. I decided that my best plan of action was to attack an organization whose main demographic is eight year olds. I convert people to my way of life from an early age. From the cradle to the grave. Buy my shirt."

Primo vs. Brian Kendrick. WWE's version of an X Division match. But these types of matches are much better. Why? Here are some points:

-- It lasted 7 minutes.
-- "Primo" and "Let's Go Primo/Let's Go Kendrick" chants.
-- One understood the style of Kendrick's cowardly wrestling and how much he depends on Zeke.
-- Kendrick: "You got to give a five count first, chump!" after the ref yells at him for Kendrick putting his boot on Primo's neck.

So while it didn't really have fast-paced action, the story that was conveyed in the ring resonated with the audience and the outcome of the match further developed the characters. I'm even interested in seeing these two again next week.

It wasn't just a pointless match thrown out to fill time until a storyline development was portrayed after the match. Good stuff here.

credit to forums.themusiclounge.com

After applauding themselves for last's week burial of the elimination chamber toy, DX this week hypes up things that are more important to them: DX shirts, DX bears, DX underwear, DX condoms, etc.

Only reason why they replayed Vickie taking a bump during the opening three times is because whenever a "higher up" gets a boo boo, there will be hell to pay. It was Trips who caused the stage to fall down on Vince!

Decent storyline bit with Shelton working on the neck of Helms. Action picked up at the end. But for goodness sake, the man just pinned the U.S. Champion in a somewhat short match. Isn't that a big deal, announcers? Shelton vs. Helms? The battle for the worst catchphrases? "Ain't no stopping me now?" vs. "I'm not saying, I'm just saying?" Ugh ugh ugh.

Matt talks to Edge. Matt describes Edge as the "scummiest" person ever. Edge then drops names in who could have taken out Jeff: Orton, JoMizzy(!), Undertaker, Trips. Heck, it could have been Matt, due to Edge dropping that perhaps Matt feels he doesn't get as enough attention as Jeff.

Pretty sad that a company well versed in writing propaganda botched up that Jeff injury. We already know that the "fake news" report was done in bad taste, but it was also bad in how it didn't fool anybody. It could have gone like this (and mind you, I am not well versed in WWE fake news report writing):

"Jeff suffered a major concussion when he was attacked early this morning. Witnesses say that they saw somebody come in and hit Jeff in the back of the head. Jeff was taken to a local hospital and is in stable condition. WWE officials have contacted Vladimir Kozlov and Triple H about this attack, and they have replied that they have nothing to do with it. We will bring you more information as it becomes available."

Thus it would get people talking about who might have done it. But instead we got this:

"Jeff is in a coma. He might be dead. That's all we can tell you."

That's pretty scummy.

Best Khali match ever.

Trips talks about how he will "run down" Jeff. Trips hired Rikiski to "run down" Stone Cold. Wonder if they will bring that up. This PPV could have spent a lot of more time in the cooker.

The unblinking Kozlov says, "Everyone must fall." I would like Kozlov more if he didn't look so cartoonish.

The announcers like to drop that "nobody studies their opponents more than The Game." I would like some visual proof. I keep hearing that he studies wrestlers when all I see him do is hock products. Compare the number of times you have seen Trips studying his opponent to the number of times you have seen him plug products.

Edge comes out to interfere with Trips vs. Jeff. Yawn. Nice thing about Smack is that it ends at 1:57 on the nose. MyNetworkTV isn't fooling around.

POSTIVES

-- MVP
-- "Preacher" video package
-- Winning a Slammy actually means something
-- Primo vs. Kendrick
-- The Cutting Edge
-- Trips promo
-- Trips vs. Jeff
-- Khali as face (same wrestler, but at least now the audience cares about him)

NEGATIVES

-- Too much of Kennedy movie plugs
-- Already Helms is fighting for the U.S. title?
-- Cruddy women's match

VERDICT: A Little Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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