By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

Bad Helium Chipmunks, Preacher A.J. Styles, TNA Distorts Their Own History

The band "Bad Helium Chipmunks" start off Impact by singing the song, "It is my destiny!" By comparison, it makes Foley's song actually catchy. Kudos for TNA for the big ass video screen and the new stage, even though the silly Space Age entrance tunnels are still there. For you audio fans out there, so far, it isn't quite up to par.

"Hey, we're the Young Lions! Cheer for us! Those mean Main Event Mafia!" Yet the crowd claps anyways because the MEM features a lot of cool main event guys and the Young Lions feature a lot of standard X division guys. Preacher A.J. Styles is the brain behind the Young Lions, even though in the past year he was constantly portrayed as the dumbest man in wrestling with that whole Karen Angle bit, and Joe provides the dumb muscle. Preacher Styles urges the wrestlers in the back to take up their side. At first glance, why should they? Why can't they just collect their paycheck and go back to their gated communities? This being said, nice touch with Joe explaining that TNA's future and their own futures depend on them taking a side.

So the Young Lions consists of Jay Lethal, Consequences Creed, Petey Williams, Eric Young, and ODB. Almost as if they were waiting backstage by the entrance at the same time when Styles called out for help. Is it bad that I feel that ODB can pretty much kick the ass of nearly all of these dudes? But credit is given to TNA because they are having pretty much the X Division face off against MEM. Motor City Machine Guns? Goodness, their songs are also sung by the Bad Helium Chipmunks. The Young Lions are angry at MEM because they don't give a shot to the young dudes. "We deserve to be in the main event!" It would be one thing if a veteran was holding somebody down and continue to serve up crap in their own matches, but if a poll was taken right now, would you rather watch somebody from the MEM wrestle a match or one from the Young Lions wrestle?

So their argument kind of falls on deaf ears, since from a fan standpoint it just seems cooler to be in MEM. The mafia. The nice suits. The coolness. And the fact that the fans love them. Love their matches. Does MEM do promos mocking the fans? No. Does MEM put up boring matches? No. So personally I hope that MEM wins the whole damn thing because what actual consequences will happen? TNA had Joe yell and scream about "There's a damn war going on and you need to pick a side," but what about fans? What difference does it make what side they choose? Like most, I pick MEM and hope they just wipe the floor with the Young Lions.

As you can see here, a good part of tonight was the re-birth of some wrestlers and giving them entirely new personas and character motivations: MCMG, Eric Young (what happened to the Super League Of Nimrods?), and Petey Williams. When the announcers hype up MCMG as "two up and coming superstars," if one did not watch the last six months of Impact, they could concur with it. But for fans that have followed their product for a while now, we know that this is false. So it does not feel "realistic" when suddenly MCMG are back on television again and suddenly they get a shot at Beer Money's tag team championship despite the fact that, from a logic standpoint, why do they get a shot in the first place? Second, from a fan standpoint, this is asking fans to believe in MCMG as actual contenders from their past work and not of their current work.

So as TNA wrestling fans, you have to hit "erase" in your memory blocks, and you need to generally forget what you have be shown in the past three months. Not so good.

Main Event Mafia Have Been Watching Too Much "Godfather"

MEM. The logo. The music which resembles a mash of "industrial Godfather." MEM goes the subtle route of not saying, "We're taking over!" All they want from the Young Lions is a thank you. Hmm. For some reason, Kevin Nash says the following: "Scott Hall did not show up because Joe was not worth the rub." Groan. You see, we have our wrestlers say things that we think are smart, but in actuality are actually very dumb and make us look like idiots. Glad fans found out the real reason nearly a year later. Gee, sounds like a real plan was in place. Go ahead and re-write some more of your history (in an unbelievable fashion) to make it fit with your storylines. To wrap this up, Booker starts talking about chickens and I began to curse at my TV. Please stop. Stay tuned, as yet another Foley Proclamation is coming up. Nausea.

Skip On Kip, No On Joe, Eric Young Gets Real, Finishes For People Who Don't Watch Wrasslin' On A Continuous Basis

At least ODB was in the match with the Beautiful People, and the crowd agreed. In other news, MCMG becomes buddies with Joe after Joe acknowledges that there has been a long list of people who have screwed him like Karen Angle, Kevin Nash, and TNA. Did Joe even hold the championship belt for the past four months? What a drop off for him.

Eric Young had a nice promo, and hopefully no more superhero nonsense. Nice touch with Jackie dressing up in a Hillary Clinton pantsuit, and Eric Young does not sell the pyro going off. As simple as these things are, they caused a small spark in my heart because at least somebody knows that some people follow TNA.

But with good news must come bad news in TNA, and the finishes need be heavily worked on. Does TNA know that some people actually watch wrestling, and are tired of boring finishes? Ref gets distracted by a talking Jackie (will they ever learn?), Robert Roode spits beer in the eye of James Storm, and Young gets the pin. Fans have seen the same generic, contrived finishes far too often in wrestling already. At least WWE, for the most part, tries to keep their finishes fresh. I do not want to see wrestlers "filling time" until a crappy finish. That is not really worth watching.

To further the damage, there was no sign of dissension at all from Beer Money. "Hey Roode, you cost me the match." Any thought that Young got a credible win was obliterated when Beer Money quickly attacked him after the match. And then MCMG show up. It makes sense because MCMG will face off Beer Money at the PPV, but this is crappy booking. They often try to cram too many outside bits into one segment seemingly to save time, but they often show meaningless video packages that fans have already seen before.

Mommy, Why Are The Good Knockouts Attacking Kong With Weapons?

Cue the generic Knockout video package fans have already seen. It sort of works because Roxxi and Taylor are next, but when I see bits like this I can only assume that TNA has nothing better to show. Roxxi's new gimmick is to swear like a fourth grader. "I like that chick, man. She loses all the time, but she cusses. She's cool, man." TNA Ted (the ideal TNA demographic) is an easy person to please. Roxxi and Taylor beat up Kong with weapons because...? I do not know why. We know that Kong is a heel, but what sort of evil act did she commit on Taylor or Roxxi? I guess because Kong won the championship belt from Taylor, and like an honorable person she decides to outnumber Kong and attack her in a locker room. Heels attacking a heel. And I did not see the Knockout Belt anywhere in this bit. "Yeah, take that Kong! That what happens when you win a match!" Hey, sore losers! Hypocrites! All right! Even TNA Ted would agree with me that the backstage brawl between JBL and Shawn Michaels on Raw was a more convincing brawl that this meager bit.

"I AM SUICIDE," Please Remind Us To Watch Certain Matches On Mute

Probably due to watching Impact HD on regular definition, but somebody should probably mention that some bits are too wide and thus some words are cut off. Thus, "I AM SUICIDE" popped up.

Tanahashi and Volador team up to face off against the MCMG. Bashir, for no reason at all, apparently wants to do commentary. Kevin Nash: "No, I wanna announce the Beautiful People match!" Would be awesome if Tenay and West were actual announcers and simply said: "Hey Bashir, what are you out here in the first place?" But they say no such thing. Bashir is out there so that Bashir and the announcers can pump up Rhino vs. Bashir while there is an actual match taking place. Wha? And Bashir, if you expect me to remember what the Guns did to you weeks back, you are way off.

Stop talking about Rhino vs. Bashir so much, Tenay! Call the match. Why are you even having a match out there if the announcers cannot be bothered with it? To counter this, TNA does this trick: First they will talk about an entirely separate angle for about two minutes, and then West says something like, "Well it is surprising to see how well Tanahashi and Volador are working." How would you know? Were you actually watching the match? And why should I consider this match important if you, Bashir, and Tenay were too busy plugging away on Rhino vs. Bashir for a good portion of the match? Call me crazy, but when announcers are hyping something else for a good portion of the match and then suddenly sudden chime in with generic stuff, I am not convinced.

Of course, Rhino comes out to "Gore the Whore." Too much in this bit and not effective. As a fan I should have the option of just focusing on the action in the ring. But this is nearly impossible when my ears are receiving endless hype about Rhino vs. Bashir. I do not care about their feud at all. I just want to watch a match. But TNA does not give me that option. They think that by just merely talking about a feud more at really a not opportune time. What the Guns did to Bashir (many fans forgot about this minor bit when Impact gives me usually 10 pages of notes each time) was junk. Bashir wanting the international wrestlers to win was also junk. So the match could have been great but I was too upset with TNA for not actually focusing on the match. They should have a little pop-up before certain matches that says, "Warning! We are going to hype up something totally not related to the current match and thus will hamper your enjoyment of the current match! Please press the mute button."

The Young Lions Do Hand Slaps Like The Busters They Are

Cage comes up with Lauren and talks about how the question on everybody's mind is will Cage become a member of MEM. Actually, its how Cage is suddenly now five years old that if he loses his whittle matchy he has to join with the bad men. Sorry, Lauren, but you are featured way too much on Impact. You are always in the shots of the wrestler's promos, and your main talent is apparently looking concerned. Even TNA Ted roots for Crystal, the previous backstage interviewer.

Mike Tenay's real talent nowadays is over-hyping everything. I like MEM, but my goodness, they are not an "important bit in the annals of wrestling history." They are not bigger than the Four Horseman or DX. It is akin to comparing NBA star Greg Oden (who has played a total of 13 minutes) to a Hall of Famer like Kareem Abdul Jabar. Don West's real talent is to say things from a "fan's perspective" that fans usually do not agree with. "Have you ever see a belt (the Legends Belt) with more glitz, more glamour?" Well, yeah. The WWE belt, for one. The Legends Belt looks like a Halloween toy. The gold is thin and the belt strap itself looks childish. I would not chide him if that was his honest impression. But that was written for him to say. I wish TNA would stop writing ahead what I am supposed to feel and think about their product.

We have Booker/Nash vs. Joe/A.J. Styles. Nice move to the commercial break with Joe diving outside. But something about this match was off. At 1:10, Booker (the legal man) pins Joe (the legal man). Joe breaks out of the pin. Booker merely rolls to the outside and makes no tag at all. Nash and Styles come in. Nash says, "Get him out of here!" Anyways, with the ref tangled up with Styles (his back is turned), Nash drops the elbow. Makes a pin on Joe. The ref counts to two. It is now just Joe and Nash in the ring. But here is the problem. Was a tag ever made between Booker and Nash? I might be wrong, but I am pretty sure that Nash was the illegal man. If you taped this or you have it on TiVOed, check to see if Booker did indeed make a tag to Nash. Maybe I have eaten too much Halloween candy and it is affecting my brain.

Because you know, on the main event on Raw, because the ref did not see the tag made by Batista to Shawn Michaels, Batista was still the legal man. WWE at least understands that wrestling needs to be stay on top of things in terms of being "realistic." That means if the ref does not see the tag, then no tag was made. But I am sure that TNA would not get sloppy and have their refs, much like their wrestlers, plod through their matches with any regard to keep a sense of "realism." Who knows, Nash might have been the legal man. However, TNA refs are not actually outstanding in how "realistic" they are usually.

And hey, TNA can be funny at times. Like when tonight the crowd was chanting, "Tap! Tap!" when Booker does a weak arm submission on Joe. Or when I can only guess that TNA plants a fan to hold up a sign that reads "Joe Was Robbed." Like most fans, he holds the sign up the entire match (starting from the point Joe's music played). Shows up in his intended seat. In the center facing the hard camera. And is the only one holding a rather generic sign in the entire audience during the match. (Once again, I could be wrong). Or when Booker does a lame bump from Styles's Pele kick. Or when The Young Lions new gang sign is that horrendous "three slaps, yeah boy." They are mack daddies scoring big. Funny stuff.

Abyss And Matt Morgan Provide Unintentional Comedy, Disrespect All Up In Sting's Grill, Angle Wants Some Attention From Jeff Jarrett

Abyss and Morgan say a whole lot of nothing. Thanks, buddies. Cue another TNA "rah rah" video package.

Not a whole lot going on during the Foley-Sting bit, but it was a nice touch. Nice "go vote" plug by Foley. "Why, Sting, why?" You writers (or Foley) should really try harder in getting the actual fan reactions to Sting turning heel. But at least Sting is portrayed as possibly jumping to the other side (and he should, because the Young Lions need star power). People really need to stop mentioning how great the X Division is like Foley did with his bit with Sting. "They bust their butts". True. But no one gives a damn about them. Their feuds are pointless, the matches are quick and forgettable, and quite frankly the X Division took a nose dive a long, long time ago. Nice thing about all of this MEM vs. Young Lion stuff is that in four months all of this stuff could mean jack and TNA can start "anew" just like they did tonight. Characters becoming faces or heels mean jack.

But the best bit about this segment was Sting saying, "They are going to get up all in yo face and they are going to disrespect you." Oh no! Guessing that next week Foley will have yet another announcement with Booker. Sting is probably the most intriguing part of MEM. Angle's busy with Jarrett. Nash hangs with Joe, and Booker continues to talk about chickens.

Come on, Jeff. Accept a match with Kurt. Just to stop these Angle bits. I cannot understand why Angle is so angry and why Jarrett is so mellow during this feud. Angle, are you capable of telling TNA not to drag things towards a PPV with filler stuff?

Worst Wrestler's Costume Of The Year, Scott Steiner's Testicles Explode

An actual match took place with Angle vs. Abyss. Thankfully the announcers focused on it. Good stuff with Don West talking about how Morgan is a friend to Abyss, and how Abyss has had negative influences in the past. This reminded me of James Mitchell, and it is always solid to remind fans of previous storylines and bits. Sadly, Abyss is also a heavy contender for the 2008 Absurd Award for "Worst Wrestler Costume of the Year". Oooh. All white. Frilly cutoff sleeves. A gray odd mask. The Big White Janitor. "Be sure to do a part where you throw a wrestler towards a PPV poster! We do it all the time!"

Best part of the night was when Angle, with apparently a fully loaded bladder from drinking too many beers, slowly stumbled up the steps inside the arena like a football fan headed towards the bathrooms. Nice bit here to go to commercial: "Stay tuned, as more of Angle lumbering up the steps!" The match ended with everybody and their momma coming out. Scott Steiner can join Booker for a joint Absurd Award for "TNA Worst Promo Guys" of 2008. I can see it now.

Lauren: "Well, gentlemen, tonight on Impact in high def you two will face the Samoa Submission machine Joe and his young comrade in arms, the Maple Leaf Muscle Petey Williams."

Booker: "Lauren, as you very well know, in my home country there are plenty of animals running around. You see, our dear friend Joe is what is known as a hippo. A hippo, yes. He is fat and big. And hippos deserve to be killed! Ha ha! I am the hunter, yes!"

Steiner: "Petey Williams! You have, have been copying off me! That's right! You are a copy-off! I took you in, and what have you done? You did nothing! All of your previous, current and future accomplishments mean nothing! You call yourself the maple leaf mustard! I mean muscle! Whatever! You know what you are? You are a giraffe! Yeah! Joe is a hippo, Petey is a giraffe, and we are two big game hunters! Cuz you know, you got a scrawny neck! And scrawny legs! And I am going to break them off! Put that neck in my massive arms and squeeze! But you are not as tall as a giraffe! You are like a short giraffe! Because. Because. Because you're dumb! Yeah! Uh. Um. I am going to have you as a giraffe burger and eat you up! Look at my arms!"

(Steiner's testicles suddenly explode due to his years of daily intakes of "vitamins.")

Steiner: "Oh man! My balls! My balls have exploded, man! Oh, it hurts!"

Lauren (concerned look on her face): "Wow! That looked painful!"

Booker: "Damn, dog. Crazy ass. Uh. You see! You see! This is all the Young Lions' fault! We will show the meaning of the word "respect." Because I am the great chicken of my native land!"

And then TNA can have another mystery: "Where are Steiner's balls?" Who has his balls? Why, Petey has them in a glass tube! Cue Lauren with a disgusted look on her face! A push-up contest for Steiner's balls on the next Impact!

IMPACT'S FINAL VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Want to watch the MCMG in action? Have to deal with the announcers too busy hyping up Bashir vs. Rhino. Best match of the night was Abyss vs. Angle. Nash/Booker vs. Joe/Styles was just okay. Some homework for TNA: Please work on your consistency problems. Please work on interesting finishes (and not boring, generic ones). Your refs as "convincing." Your announcing style. Get a better music guy, and I will be all smiles. TNA Ted wants you to bring back War Games. You might as well, since "wrestling companies are living the '90s." Oh yeah.

LEAVING YOU WITH MY ABSURD THOUGHT

I would check out Hogan's new wrestling show, but I am afraid too. Heck, I even checked out some episodes of "Hogan Knows Best." However, I do not want to wish to watch Frank "Don't Mention Sly" Stallone do bad wrestling with Danny B or whatever rejects. I have heard some things about Goldberg and RVD showing up, but there is not really a solid reason for wrestling fans who are not really fans of reality TV to watch the show. I remember the WWE show "Tough Enough" and I liked that, but CCW looks very cheesy.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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