By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

Rey Mysterio vs. Kane in a No Holds Barred Match

The PPV started with WWE playing the role of the U.S. Government urging fans not to vote "because it is not important" and then realizing that "hey, our future depends on your vote." Gee, Triple H, I would have voted, but I do not think your future is worth 99 cents. I was five out of eight on my predictions, as Shelton Benjamin beat R-Truth (and not Festus, who I picked) in a United States Championship match not a lot of people saw. WWE did not even bother to give the result of the match on the PPV itself. Cryme Tyme faced off JoMizzy (I picked Team Priceless vs. Punk/Kofi) and thought there was going to be a triple threat match with Triple H-Jeff Hardy-Kozlov. Still, a much better percentage than my fantasy football picks.

Actually "real power" for fans is if they could hurry up matches or just downright stop them. At first glance somewhat of a tame "No Holds Barred" match with the flimsy stop sign and a kendo stick. Although it was a damn painful Kane submission holding involving a cable wire and the steel post, this match was slow. Pretty much a lot of Kane offense and just filling time. Michael Cole once again drops the "swashbuckling" term to describe Rey's offense.

"Swashbuckling": Reminds me of pirates.

"Entertainers": Reminds me of boy bands and "Dancing with the Stars."

Nice enough match, but it was painfully obvious that WWE was trying to play it safe during a weapons match, and the crowd could sense it (lots of Kane submission holds). Even now, I have been trained to expect wrestlers to take "protected" chair shots every time a chair is involved, at least, when I am watching WWE. Back in the 1990s, fans were used to see Mick Foley take brutal unprotected chair shots to the head and wrestlers like Ken Shamrock taking chair shots that would leave impressions in the steel.

VERDICT: Very Absurd

Matt Hardy vs. Evan Bourne for ECW Championship

Theodore Long and Tiffany are also finalists in the Absurd Awards of 2008 for "best dance routine." Bumpin'. If you want to win this award, you wrestlers best get to steppin'. Pins galore in this match. Sort of rivaled the later Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy match, but this match was a little more sloppy and it was fun to see the crowd turn on Matt Hardy somewhat. Matt Hardy is definitely the right fit for ECW champion, as he has been involved in some great matches. Nowadays you cannot go wrong if Matt Hardy is on the PPV. Nice counter from the Razor's Edge by Bourne. Match was impressive, and Evan Bourne is officially nowadays WWE's hottest talent brought in since C.M. Punk.

VERDICT: A Little Absurd

Cryme Tyme vs. JoMizzy

Worst parts of the night were the cutaways to the divas wearing costumes and usually saying something ridiculous. Ugh. While Priceless vs. Punk/Kofi got 35 percent, Cryme Tyme vs. JoMizzy got 38 percent. Noble/Mickie vs. Regal/Layla got 27 percent? Wow. JTG pulls a Bret Hart in giving his glasses to a front row fan. Cryme Tyme reminds me a lot of LAX. You have a big dude and a little dude. Intriguing how the crowd were chanting "money money yeah yeah" and this feud between the two tag teams was bigger than I though. Crowd was also chanting "Miz can't wrestle" and I do not agree. I like the Miz (natural at getting the crowd to boo him). While Cryme Tyme had their moment in the sun, the match simply went too long and the wrestlers really ran out of their bag of tricks to keep the crowd interested.

VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity. Had some promise, but JoMizzy were sub par and the match itself was unfocused.

Santino vs. The Honky Tonk Man for the IC Championship

Great Khali continues his face run, and WWE makes it official that John Cena will show up at Survivor Series. Or maybe Haas Cena. "Shazaam O'Neal" had me laughing. Oh, Shaq is here! Damn, Shaq gets around. Played a minor bit in Survivor Series of last year (when WWE was down in Miami) and Shaq motions to slit the throat of Santino. Ha. Santino also is a finalist for the "best dance routine" absurd award as well. It was a nice trip down memory lane, and it went pretty well.

VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity. Santino-Shaq bit was funny, but the Honky Tonk Man looked out of place in 2008. But a nice trip down memory lane.

Undertaker vs. Big Show in A Last Man Standing Match

I'm liking the WWE PPV sets recently, as they are "bigger than life." Big fan of Show's punches, but this match was a punch-a-thon. Crowd tonight seemed really tense. Hearing somebody yell "Matt Striker is a kitty" (well, not the word "kitty," but you get the idea) and watching the jackass in the front row yell "nine" when the ref was counting "five" ruined the experience for everyone watching. Match itself was great, even though it directly ripped off the Rocky II finish. But hey, the crowd ate it up and so did fans watching.

VERDICT: A Little Absurd. Downright awkward in some parts with the ref counting the long "nine" and punches galore, but both men came out winners.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Oh Yeah, Divas Dress Up

Kind of surprised that Victoria in a banana suit did not get the bigger votes. I like Victoria dressing up as a Sumo Wrestler or a Banana more than divas dressing up like Marilyn Monroe or Ninja Turtles. Not a lot of "Family Guy" fans, I guess. Mickie James dressing up like Lara Croft? Eh. What a waste of time.

VERDICT: Very Absurd

Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy

I suppose I should get over it, but hearing Tazz and Jim Ross basically kiss the ass of Triple H with overwhelming glowing praises just rubs me the wrong way. ("He's so cerebral, it is like he has two brains in his head" or "Whoa he just did a simple move but we will compare him to hall of famers.") I try my best not to hate Trips but, damn, it is hard at times in how he is presented. Another good match, and perhaps Jeff Hardy is in the clear to make another serious championship run. Interesting that there was no Kozlov interference in the match. Sign in the crowd: "Vote Obama or Cena Wins." Already with the Cena hating? If you want to unleash your venom on anybody in the WWE, it is Mike Adalme. These guys are just jealous of Cena. But you never know. Cena might be going to be trapped in a burning car again and say his favorite catchphrase "poopy" when he comes back.

VERDICT: A Little Absurd. The fact that I kept thinking that Kozlov was going to interfere at the last minute hurt this match to some degree, but this definitely was not a repeat of their match at No Mercy. Good signs for both Jeff and Triple H fans. Hell, might even be a WrestleMania match, as these guys work well with each other. If Undertaker vs. Batista was the WWE feud of 2007, Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy might be the WWE feud of 2008 since Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels looks to be over.

Chris Jericho vs. Batista with Stone Cold As Ref

Sadly the biggest crowd reactions in this match were all things relating to Austin. Really bad middle part of this match, as Jericho worked the legs and the match slowed to a crawl. Pretty much the Stone Cold Show. Things began to pick up as ref HBK did a funny slow count, JBL got far, far away from The Haas, and Orton's arms have as many tattoos as the Undertaker does. Stone Cold kicks Orton in the nuts, gives him the stunner, and the camera shakes. Always find that impressive when the crowd is going bananas and causing the hard camera to shake. Batista becomes the new champion and he actually has a lot of possible opponents to face. Do I want to see Jericho vs. Batista again? Nope.

VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity. A wild finish, but the match itself was not much. So far, Batista and Jericho just do not work very well with each other.

CYBER SUNDAY FINAL VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Great matches with Matt Hardy vs. Evan Bourne, Undertaker vs. Big Show, and Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy. Everything else had a one special feature in their match but not very much else. Fans would not want to watch that Mysterio vs. Kane match again, Cryme Tyme vs. JoMizzy ran out of steam, Santino and the legends had a nice comedic bit, and Jericho vs. Batista needed that crazy finish and Stone Cold to save a lukewarm outing.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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