By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

TNA Apparently Now Has The "Strip Pole Match"
 
Angelina Love and ODB fight in pretty much the worst knockout division match out there. From all of the attention to asses and crotches and ODB's knife-edge chops to Love's breasts, it is only a matter of time before a strip pole appears in the middle of the ring. What is with TNA and music? Subway's "Five Dollar Footlong" jingle is much better than the music of ODB, MotorCity Machineguns, and Mick Foley. Apparently for Mick the music guy picked something out of the trash and remixed it. Sad to say that the ref Slick Johnson has not learned a thing, as he falls for the same trick 3 times in the same match (i.e. be distracted by a talking wrestler! Whoa!) and Love picks up a meaningless win. Sure, the match was crafted, but it is badly crafted. It impresses people who are 10 years old. It is lazy and wholly ineffective. The match itself meant nothing. After the match, ODB talks about how Traci Brooks is Boobzilla and says something about nuts. Boobzilla tries to lay some groundwork for the PPV, but it falls on deaf ears. Were we not saying glowing praises about the Knockout Division a few weeks back? Geez. Come on, TNA. Put a device where a strip pole shoots from the middle of the ring and watch the ratings shoot up! You are only concerned about ratings anyways, so what is stopping you guys?

TNA Portrays Itself As A Gang That Will Not Tolerate People Who Cross The Line (Just Like The WWE)

So Jeff Jarrett hates Angle because Angle points out the flaws of the product? It was weird, because TNA assumed that most fans did not read the article (In-ter-net? What is that? Com-pu-ter? Whaa?) or would blindly believe whatever TNA tells them. Uh, no. According to the announcers, the mystery began at Hard Justice. It is comforting to know that three months of crap was worth it just to get vital shots into Jeff's video package. Do not applaud yourself too much, Double J.
 
The main gist of Jeff's promo is that TNA views itself as the underdog warrior to the big, mean WWE. Awww. Guess what? Impacts stink. It is not just my opinion, it is pretty universal. Double J hates Angle because Angle aired dirty laundry. What is TNA, the Oakland Raiders? The mafia? It is one of those situations where you wish TNA would just make up the report in the first place, because how they spun was just odd.
 
What is interesting to point out is that TNA has such a low opinion of their fans is that they will actually write out bits of the storylines on the video screen. During Jeff's TNA rah rah rah speech, stuff like "...considering his options..." and "...like a father-son bond..." were put up on the video screen. Purpose? They really were not shown on TV, but TNA put them out there so that all of the fans inside the arena could follow it along. I guess TNA lives in 1984 or is Big Brother. Or maybe TNA considers their fans too stupid to follow along to what Jeff is saying. They might as well put up "Angle loves Vince! Boo his ass!". Angle is evil! Evil!
 
So during this long-winded speech by Jeff, he brings up the Angle promo where Angle threatens to do bodily harm to an old man. Funny, I think I have seen that "olympic gold medal and cup of coffee" promo by Angle. Maybe on their website or on one of their DVDs. Hmm. They did do a good job of painting Kurt Angle as this heel traitor who would love to jump ship from his current horrible organization that is beneath him. Why, I believe it is Mick Foley's "Uncle Eric" storyline back from the original ECW days! Mick Foley professed his love for WCW and hated ECW! I hate those other guys! TNA! TNA! TNA! TNA delivers quality consistently and treats their fans as intelligent human beings! Yeah!
 
Jim Cornette Gets His Orders From God And X Out The X Division
 
Roxxi had her head shaved when she needed stitches? There is something wrong about that. Jim Cornette stops Angle and tells him that he was told by "you know who" while thumbing his finger upwards. I guess only that Cornette was talking about God. Space aliens. Black Reign who lives in the attic. Or big bad Vince. Apparently because Angle did not toe the company line, he got a $25,000 fine on his ass by the good guy Jeff. Punishing somebody who does not follow the company's standards. Gee, just like the big evil corporation WWE. Who TNA claims that they are not.
 
Nice to see that the X division championship title match got near to zero hype. Tell me the last time Jimmy Rave (or the entire Rock & Rave Infection) won a match. I will wait. Or when Eric Young (and not his alter ego, Super Eric) was on television. Been quite awhile. But apparently both of these two chumps are contenders for such a prestigious title. Ha ha. As predicted, there was no mention at all that Bashir got a "win" over the world champion Joe. Instead, the announcers foam at the mouth in talking about how Bashir is feeling the effects of Joe choking him out. Odd. Bashir is jumping around and swinging his belt like a madman. Sure does not seem like he is feeling any effects at all.
 
And there lies a big problem with TNA Impact. In large part TNA expect fans to believe them from word of mouth and not often by what actually happens. Seeing is believing in wrestling. Evan Bourne is a hot young star because people can believe he is a hot young star. They see it. The announcers saying so is just reaffirming what the fans believe. In TNA land far too often it is "hearing is believing".
 
West then suddenly applauds TNA for their wacky and zany booking. I mean, who are fans to question this sort of logic when you got such zany personalities in the ring! Eric Young! Jimmy Rave! Both of them do not deserve to be champion! Nobody wants to see them as champion! People cannot even picture them as champion! But for some odd reason they are contenders in this championship match! Tenay chimes in that this zany booking makes "these Impact events big". Gee, if this X division match is such a big deal, then why are the announcers hyping up the rest of the card during the match? Mick Foley! Mick Foley! Sure, you can get an entertaining match if you put Santino vs. Kane in a Hell in the Cell match that is surrounded by alligators for the custody of Hornswoggle, but any sane person would tell you that this is a bad idea. So applaud yourself, TNA, for your random booking that makes little sense and your wacky matches. Some might say it makes it fresh. I say this is a true mark of they do not know what the blue hell they are doing. You could have X Division championship matches on every week and if they were presented in this weak fashion, nobody would care about them.
 
Case in point: apparently Bashir is feuding with a ref. Oh boy. Quite remarkable that Bashir was the same going into the championship match as he was coming out. Meaning I did not believe him as champion and the match itself proved nothing. Jimmy and Eric sure will not care that they lost the championship match. It was a waste of time. It was put there to meekly push Bashir as champion and to further his feud with a friggin ref.
 
Boy, What Is In The Briefcase Of Mystery? I Can Not Handle The Suspense!
 
During the Team 3D/Booker vs. Lethal/Cage/Styles match, Tenay said, "we are all just going to have to stick around and watch this crap until Foley shows up. Oh yeah, here is a match with some chumps". TNA presents their shows for 10 year olds. Really sad that the announcers are hyping up what is in Booker's briefcase (that was randomly brought in some time ago). This marks another one of TNA's failures in their programming: They have too many of these stupid and weak "mysteries". What is in the briefcase? Will Sting show up? Where is Angle's gold medal? What is up the writers' collective asses? Tune in to find out. Problem is that TNA applauds itself on being such an entertaining soap opera with all of these different characters and conflicts (West: "TNA is on fire!"). Excuse me if I would just like to see a match with all of this soap opera crap going on.
 
Hopefully Lethal has gotten far, far away from the black hole that is Sonjay Dutt and SoCal Val. Would like to see Booker vs. Lethal at the PPV (since they both need something to do). I hope that if there is a Booker vs. Lethal feud works out, then it will have the same success as Robert Roode's career when he tangled up with the Bookman. You know. Robert Roode. That guy. Could it possibly be that Sting, Booker, Angle and Cage will all be group together in the same "evil veterans who is not true to TNA" group? Heaven forbid!
 
Heaven also forbid that TNA learn how to go into commercial breaks. For example, on Raw during the 8-man tag team match with Mysterio/Bourne/Punk/Kingston vs. Kane/The Second Generation, before the commercial these guys did a spot where everybody was flying. Got people interested to see the rest of the match. On Impact, Brother Ray staggered into the ring, threw two lame punches, while Tenay screamed in my ear that Mick Foley was coming at the very end of the show. What was even more amazing is that when they came back, the announcers went right back to talking about Mick Foley. Mr. West, did you know that Mick Foley is a renaissance man? Whoa. National security, Mr. Tenay? Hey, who are these chumps in the ring? Let us talk about Mick Foley, since he is obviously more important than these 6 losers. I understand hyping Mick Foley, but TNA left talking about Mick and when they came back, they went right back to the Mick train. So in large part the announcing style needs to be tweaked and changed.
 
What also needs to change around in TNA land are the refs. I do not know who the ref was during this particular match, but he was just downright horrible. Towards the end of the match, the ref does not bother to do the 5 count for the illegal man. Ref then sees Booker his Styles with the briefcase of mystery (ooh!) which should have been an immediate DQ. But the ref had temporary blindness. Damn that temporary blindness. When the wrestlers were trying to set up the predictable "Styles costs Cage the match", the ref kept getting the way. He might as well be holding a sign that said, "I do not know what I am doing and I am bluntly trying to set up the weak finish".
 
It is pathetic that a wrestling organization who counts on ref incompetence a lot in their matches have refs who do not know what the hell they are doing. This ref looked lost and was horrible in his acting. Does anybody in TNA know that the ref still has to be somewhat believable? Ref in independent leagues can do a much better job in acting incompetent than some of the refs in TNA. Get some training, watch some tape, do something to get these refs believable again.
 
Sting's New Catchphrase ("Ric Flair!") And The Fine Art of Matt Morgan's Promos
 
Hey, another sit down interview with Sting and Joe. You know, no amount of quick editing could have saved this. Sting name drops Ric Flair nowadays like he has a new catchphrase.
 
TNA: How do you feel about becoming world champion?
Sting: Ric Flair!
 
TNA: Hey, how come our championship titles are as important as corn dogs?
Sting: Ric Flair!
 
TNA: Why is Angle and Jarrett getting more attention than the world championship match?
Sting: Ric Flair!
 
TNA: Hey, this feud sucks!
Sting: Ric Flair! Ric Flair! Ric Flair!
 
It makes you wonder why they even have titles anymore in TNA. Yes, this sit-down was music to my ears, but not as heavenly as hearing Lauren say to Abyss that "you have been treated at the asylum for your addiction to pain". I must be addicted to pain too, because I keep watching Impact and I keep hearing my brain cells pop and die. Apparently Abyss will star in a new movie titled "How Abyss Got His Hardcore Groove Back". Gee, do you think that at the PPV the hardcore Abyss will be reborn? Nah.
 
Quick! Do a Matt Morgan promo! It is easy to do. Treat everything in an overtly macho manner and beat your chest. You are a big tough guy and all you face is chumps! Boy, those bastards are going to pay for attacking you from behind! Yeah, boy! Team 3D are twenty time losers! At this point of the interview, Sting came in and said that Ric Flair was a 16 time loser too! Yeah!
 
It is like they handed a mic to an 11-year old kid. Do not applaud yourself too much on the mic, Morgan. I am developing a personal deep hatred of how your character is portrayed.
 
Jim Cornette Teleports In And The Knockouts Knock Me Into Sleep
 
Did get a kick out of James Storm's beer belt. Or the fact that money was put on the front of Jackie's chest. Classy. TNA: Cross the entrance line into our strip joint. What a weird Beer Money promo. Mostly silence with Bobby Roode talking on the mic. Then a whole bunch of teams show up. Suddenly Jim Cornette teleports in (thanks, crappy editing) and says that it is now going to be a four way monster's ball match. Wow, Jim. You are so smart. It was 3 before, but now it is 4 with the tag team champions! Whoa! My mind was just blown! How amazing! What is going to happen to Beer Money? How will they face this big challenge? Oh, the dollar fell off Jackie's chest. Oh no. Zzzzz.
 
Good thing I decided to fall asleep, as the Beautiful People and ODB decided to fight again. Same entrances again? Rhaka Khan? Hmmm. Rhino shows up to fight with Kip James. Well, Mick Foley is up next so I can handle this crap.
 
Some TNA Flaws To Point Out (Please Do Not Fine Me, Jeff)
 
In a perfect world TNA would never mention "WCW", "WWE" or "Vince McMahon". Ever. Because they do not need to. They need to make their own mark. They say that they are this rocket ship going to challenge WWE, but they are too naive (or have their head too far up their own asses) to see that they cannot even get the basics right. Music. Storylines. Refs. Match quality. Announcing. It goes on and on.
 
Case in point: During the seemingly obligatory point in MCMG matches where Shelly flips off their opponents (in this case, LAX) it is simply not believable that Mike Tenay would suddenly start talking about Sting and how this relates to his "young wrestlers do not respect wrestling" angle. It feels too contrived. Or why Don West would start talking about the Traci Brooks Enforcer angle during the Team 3D/Booker vs. Lethal/Styles/Cage match. It feels too random. Or when Mike Tenay said that Jay Lethal took Booker T to the limit in a 5 minute match. Fans do not believe this and are not convinced. But since nearly everything is planned out beforehand, it does not matter to TNA if the fans actually believe it or not. I am listening to TNA robots spewing forth TNA propaganda.
 
But I will give credit to Alex Shelly licking his hand during the match (absurd!). And when Suicide said that he was a cockroach. "I am Spider-man!" Those writers must sure love nuclear holocausts and strip joints from the content they usually show. And the fact that I sure saw a lot of WWE commercials on this show.
 
Nothing Is Sacred In Wrestling, Not Even Dead People
 
Mick Foley started off with a joke about Kip James. Quick, Jeff! Foley just made fun of one of TNA's employees! Fine his ass! Suddenly, Kurt Angle shows up and talks to himself about how evil Jeff Jarrett is. The editing on this show is laughable. There was one part where the crowd got bored (after all, they were expecting Mick Foley, not Kurt Angle rambling) and they started to chant "Foley". Apparently they only chanted "Foley" 7 times and then quickly quieted down to near silence. TNA editing deserves some award in crapexcellence. Holy Crap! Mick Foley is actually pushing WWE stars on TNA programming! This caused my jaw to drop. I never expected to hear the names of Edge, Undertaker, HBK, Y2J, Triple H and John Cena mentioned on Impact.
 
The big news of the night is that Mick Foley is the special "enforcer" for the Jarrett-Angle match. "Enforcer" is a code for "guy who decides a PPV finish". So whose side will Foley choose? Jarrett? Angle? And why exactly is this worth people's money? The show ends with Tenay saying, "Mick Foley means one thing: Law and order! Law and order!".
 
But the most heart-warming moment of the show is when Angle brought up Jeff's dead wife. Yes, in wrestling we bring up painful experiences and dead ones in order to get crappy heat for a feud to get more money. In large part nothing is really sacred in wrestling. It does not want me to hate Angle and root for Jarrett; it makes me sad that a wrestling organization would stoop to this level for a feud. Just because you can does not mean you should.
 
IMPACT'S FINAL VERDICT: A Huge Pile Of Stinking Absurdity (NUKE)
 
Sure, the action was not half bad, but in grading a show you have to take everything into account. The announcing, the presentation, the storylines, the writing, the promos, music, and the editing. The whole package. And this show was putrid. Right now TNA can only get the middle of the match right (if it gets enough time). Usually there is nothing going into a match and usually there is not a lot going out. There was a point during the X division match that I was feeling it (meaning I could connect with it) but that was soon erased away, because the main point of the match was to push Bashir's feud with a ref. I think that even if I got a year of free TNA's PPVs I would not buy Bound For Glory because Impacts are just utter crap. This show is seemingly designed for easily amused children. Good moments come every full moon. TNA PPV's lately are now more storyline driven than action-driven. Everything is too predictable (seriously, Christian Cage) and when surprises do show up, they are more absurd than actually rewarding for fans. This is the bottom of the barrel.
 
LEAVING YOU WITH MY ABSURD THOUGHT: I did check out that Wrestlemania television premiere. I originally thought that it would be a cheap program and it was not worth watching for those who have already seen WM 24. But I was impressed. Like the fact that it was basically music videos. Liked Metallica's "Sad But True" while the Undertaker video package was playing. Plus there were unique shots and on the whole it did not feel like a cheap plug for Smackdown. It was well done and I was glad I watched it. Would like to see more of this concept. Wrestlemania will always have that legacy of being as important as the Super Bowl or the World Series. Bound For Glory, for all of its hype and bravado, is simply another TNA PPV that is aimed in stringing fans along. I hope that I am proven wrong and that the match turns out to be great, but the hype going into it is just not there. Buy the PPV to see Mick Foley ref a match? No. Obviously WWE has their share of flaws, but TNA could be so much more if they actually stopped and watched one of their episodes and made a determined effort to fix them. Instead they go for the quick buck and the quick ratings boost.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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