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IMPACT: September 11, 2008

Hey, Welcome Back! Look, He Is Just Standing There! Go Jeff!

Don West begins the show by saying, "what will the King of the Mountain Jeff Jarrett say?" Apparently he will say nothing. I have no idea why the not-so-secret message whoisuicide.com popped up during the Sting-Joe replay. It was cute at first, but now if you have to wonder if everyone in TNA are idiots. The announcers have not pointed it out at all. Could it be possible that the announcers do not watch the show as well? That they just look down at the script and read directly the lines given to them? Freaky. I think it is about time TNA got on this train, since it is past the point of ridiculousness.

TNA makes a big deal of asking where their characters stand. Sting wants respect for the whole business? Yay! But they keep throwing Joe and A.J. Styles in there! Boo! Whatever they are trying to do with Sting, it is like trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Excuse me if I am not ready to compare Booker T to the likes of Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan. Karen's Angle tends to stink, but this was pretty good. They actually brought up when the Motorcity Machine Guns slapped B.G. James and other bits that had happened in TNA. These make these previous bits actually somewhat important. So I liked that the video bits were spliced in the interview. I am not sure why TNA is trying to lead viewers to believe that it will be a Sting vs. Joe and Jeff Jarrett in some fashion. I would rather just see Sting vs. Jarrett and get Joe the hell out of this angle.

So we have confirmation from the announcers that Jeff Jarrett will show up tonight. Sting comes out and taunts Joe to cross his line or something. Joe instead climbs up to the rafters to steal Sting's gimmick. Bad. I do not know why the writers believe that if they place Joe with Sting, it will make Joe a bigger deal. What it makes Joe is to be a whiny punk. Joe should avoid Sting like he was radioactive stinger ooze.

The show ends with Double J coming out of the stage with all of the fireworks and pryo one could muster. Then the show ends. What? Usually I am not one to blame wrestling companies for bringing back wrestlers on their recorded shows instead of PPV, but was having Jarrett out there really worth it in the ratings? The allure of him is now gone and you have to wonder if they could had bigger PPV buy rates if Jarrett was announced to come back on the PPV. Fans expected a lot more after all of the hype about Jarrett.

Joe Sticks With Nash And His Stock Goes Up. Joe Sticks With Sting And His Stock Goes Down

I thought this was one of Nash's strongest outings yet on Impact. We are used to seeing Nash snoozing on the couch while Impact was going on (best.segment.ever.), but I thought Nash (and Joe for a bit) looked good here. Nash still cares about Joe. Awww. Nash had a good bit with his "bad father" promo. I like this because the starts of Impact usually do not involve wrestlers planning what they are going to say (i.e. last week). Joe has been so focused on Sting because he really wants fans to turn on him. Nash comes out and says that he is not focused on his PPV match. Good way to recover Joe. Is it not a rule in wrestling that no matter how weak your opponent is, you still have to hype them up a bit? Because if you just describe your opponents as pieces of trash like Joe did, then all you have done is beaten junk wrestlers. Liked the opening, as it was quick, concise, good and added hype for later on in the show.

Joe gets three wrestlers to feed him. Mike Tenay gives us a ridiculous line that Kevin Nash picked the jobbers Johnny Devine and Lance Rock because of their different styles and heights. Yeah, I do not think so. Bit odd to see Tomko back. Even odder where the crowd is chanting for Tomko rather than Joe. There was a nice bit with Nash hugging Joe, telling him that he taught him all he knows. A actual conclusion to a storyline from TNA? No way! For the life of me I could not really tell you the 6 month relationship, but was pleased with how this went down. My head just swirls with a lot of Joe screaming. Hopefully they have dropped this whole "Joe's temper" angle bit. There was some good video work done here too, meaning the editing of the show was not done by an 8 year old. Joe looked big here (until he shot himself in the foot involving himself with Sting at the end) but Nash was real solid here. Although it is too much to ask that the announcers do not completely sound like they are reading from a script. I would have thought that the writers would have some cheesy bit like Nash walks off to the sunset and Joe cries out his name.

The Bare Bones X Division Triple Threat Match

Do not ask me why the announcers are pushing the ref Shane during the matchup between Abyss and Christian Cage. The announcers are talking how the ref attacked Bashir last week. It is so out of place. Fans are used to announcers talking about bigger feuds/angles during a match-up, but it just does not make any sense for announcers to be talking about a lower feud/angle during a matchup. The X Division is not bigger than Christian Cage or Abyss. I am trying to focus on the action and I am getting useless stuff about Consequences Creed, Petey Williams, Jim Cornette, Bashir and a ref. According to the announcers, Jim Cornette felt that the ref's involvement swayed the result of the match between Bashir and Creed. Corny puts in Bashir because of a ref. So now it will be a triple threat match. As predicted about a month ago. I guess Jim Cornette hates America. His character makes actions that are wildly inconsistent (favorable to faces, then next week favorable to heels).

You would think that they would build a solid feud leading up to the X Division triple threat matchup, but viewers got a mish-mash of poor segments and questionable bits. All the X Division matchup has right now is potential. No one cares about the characters, their motivations, or even the damn belt in the first place. You know what I can tell you about the X Division Triple Threat match? That a ref named Shane was involved with Bashir. That is bad. As a fan I am not convinced that I need to buy their PPV to see their match, because their angle does not connect with me at all. There is nothing to sink my teeth into. All their PPV match has going into it is potential, when it could have so much more (characters, storylines, plot, motivations, etc.). I understand that the Beauty contest ate up a lot of time, but hyping and explaining a feud in the middle of another match is just poor.

TNA Security And Their Badly Timed Coffee Breaks

Back to the Abyss vs. Cage match. There is one point when Angle and Booker run in and hold Cage down. Abyss has to make a really tough choice to make. Bash Cage's head in with a chair? Abyss is a good guy. It is not like he would invade Cage's home, beat him senseless, and nearly drown him in his own pool (hint: he would and did). Abyss makes a sad face while the crowd is crying and screaming. At least in the head of the writers this is how it played out. Cheap? You bet. Abyss sure is not hardcore no mo. His facial expressions are probably the worst in wrestling. You watch the character of Abyss and you feel like you are watching moronic trash. The stuff that stunts inner growth. The stuff that makes you feel like an idiot that you actually watch this crap. What is even more amazing is the consistency of TNA security. Here is how it played out tonight:

Angle and Booker beat up Cage after the match has ended. Angle and Booker encourage Abyss to hit Cage in the head with a chair. TNA security takes their coffee break. After all, Cage is one of the hottest stars in the company. Going to star in the main event at the PPV. No reason to save his ass. Matt Morgan makes the save.

The very exact second that Frank Trigg and A.J. Styles start to brawl, a massive army of TNA security comes in to break them up.

When Awesome Kong threatens to power bomb a bleeding Roxxi through two steel chairs after the match, TNA security once again takes another coffee break. ODB comes in with a turkey leg to make the save.

Look, I know that in wrestling I have to put away some logic in watching, but you cannot portray things in a wildly inconsistent manner time and time again or so close together. I understand that Morgan and ODB needed to make the save, but this is a good example of having of the tactic of "run-ins at the end of a match to make a save and push storyline" blow up in their faces.

Some Guys Named Kurt Angle and Booker T, And Why Matt Morgan Is Just A Taller Santino

Did like that Cage kinda-semi-fully ripped off John Cena in talking about how he is not the biggest or the strongest, but he is always ready to fight. Points for originality. Cage gives off a promo that intrigues me to buy the PPV, because I want to see if his character can win the title in his hometown. His "1 Hour" promo was pretty good. Or maybe Cage was just reminding viewers of how longer they would have to watch Impact (1 Hour! 1 Hour!). Christian and Joe looked big heading into their PPV, but what motivations or angles do Kurt Angle and Booker T have? They are the heels. They want to win the championship. That is about it. TNA just lumped these two guys together as weak heels and that was that.

Furthermore, I do not know what compelled Angle and Booker to accept the match between Morgan and Abyss. The announcers make a huge deal of Angle-Booker getting out of the match quick, and receive no damage. Here is a thought: Why would these main event guys concern themselves with mid-card wrestlers if they have a big PPV match in three days? Why not just walk away? They were not forced to fight by Jim Cornette or anything. It was a weak move. Not sure why Angle and Booker were getting pawned by a screaming monkey and a Mankind impersonator. Because TNA could not have put Team 3D and Morgan-Abyss in a match, they needed some way to have Team 3D to do yet another run in. This is how TNA rolls and in large part it is shoddy work. They love to see them some Matt Morgan jumping and screaming when he does a simple move. If he was 11 inches shorter and less buff it would be a comedy act. But because his sperm is going to be shot off in space we are all supposed to go bananas over this guy.

Beautiful People Are Getting Pushed Heavily And Not Even God Knows Why

I really do not get it. The Beautiful People are annoying. Hearing Angelina Love's shrill voice and her tendency to over exaggerate every friggin word is just about as sound as heavily pushing WWE's Jillian. It causes wrinkles off my face and takes off minutes of my life. We got a huge lethal dose of a Beautiful People Beauty Contest. Because we sure do not have any time to hype up LAX vs. Beer Money. Anyways, it played out how you expect. A lot of time wasted. TNA once again went to that old trick of it being a contest. The face wins first. Then the heel wins. Oh no! It is tied up! But yay, the face wins the entire contest! Oh no, the heel attacks the face! Please, somebody save her! Hey, it is Rhino! He is coming in to make the save! Not sure what supposed to happen here. Hey, how about another trip to gatorland? At least I can see me some mean gators. Oh yeah. Maybe one day I can explain to the next generation of wrestling fans that one time there was this wrestling organization called TNA and they had skits like Shark Boy in a coma and Eric Young looking for Elvis. It was so enjoyable to be a part of.

Once Again, Who The Hell Is Frank Trigg?

If fans can question why exactly Mike Adalme has a job in WWE, then fans can question why this smug idiot Trigg gets his own music, when all he has done is one or two promos and some run ins. AJ Styles gets a decent video package, but Trigg somehow gets a match at the next PPV. Trigg says, "Are we going to fight at No Surrender? I think we are. Although I am not really sure. Because we sure do not want to fight now. Although we very well could. Uh, you are a dumb hick. Ha ha I am so smug. You are a pussycat. I am over because I swear" and so on. Trigg gets to call the shots because obviously newcomers can make their own matches. You are so right, Frankie. MMA is so much better than wrestling. Why, I think that I will go watch some of that instead of this pile of puke. Hell, is NASCAR on?

3 5-minute rounds? Submission? Did not fans already see this concept played out with Angle and Styles a few weeks back? Just wow. What a sloppy and rushed job to gaud fans into buying the PPV. Extremely weak. As a fan I do not know what to expect. Announcers told viewers that Frank Trigg is a top MMA fighter but Frank Trigg might as well be the neighborhood ice cream man for the ZERO background TNA handed out. I do not watch MMA and I sure do not know who the hell Frank Trigg is. I have heard about Chuck Lidell and Kimbo Slice, but that is just name recognition. Covering your bases means that you make sure that fans know who these guys are. TNA assumes that everybody who watches wrestling must of course watch MMA. But I understand. There was no time to cover Triggy. I mean, good golly, those beauty contest bits were so well done! Why build something when you can go for the quick ratings boost! Oh yeah!

What bothers me about TNA's PPVs is that very rarely are they portrayed as a sure bet. Wrestling PPVs should be a certain thing in an uncertain world, but a good portion of TNA's PPV are built on just potential alone. It is bad that usually not until the last show before the PPV will TNA announce what type of match it will be at the PPV (i.e. Ladder of Love match, ODB vs. Kong pins anywhere). They are still portraying Styles as an idiot in a way. Yes, indeed he is no longer wearing costumes and having a crush for Karen Angle, but he is a chump that time and time again screams that he is going to kick somebody's ass in the ring yet continually gets attacked from behind from Sting, Frank Trigg, and Kurt Angle.

Why LAX And Beer Money Got No Love

I first thought that Team 3D vs. Matt Morgan and Abyss might have been the laziest angle I had been a part of recently. It has been the same thing every week. Super Excited Morgan or Abyss run in to make a save. Open challenges. Ugh. But even Team 3D came in at the end to make their PPV match somewhat on the radar. I do not understand why LAX and Beer Money got absolutely no mention at all, except for the mention on the PPV line-up. You would think that this would be a hot angle but TNA decided that the less said about this PPV match the better. This is just another example of trying to cram everything into two hours yet giving too much time for one bit (i.e. Beautiful People Beauty Contest).

TNA Are Rating Whores

First evidence would be those Beauty Contest bits. Frankly that should have just been one bit, but because TNA are rating whores, they dragged that disaster out. Second evidence would be the throwaway ladder match for a throwaway feud. I am talking about Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt. Would you really want to win an idiot like SoCal Val? Is Lethal really the one to root for, when he looks to be a whiny chump? Go Dutt! It is frankly amazing that TNA managed to botch up a generic storyline directly ripped from Macho Man and Elizabeth. If the prize for the ladder match was an absolute end to this feud then I would cheer loudly. And yes, thanks to Val and Layla from WWE, women are nothing more than property for men. I need me some Awesome Kong and Roxxi to feel better. Hey, they are going to star in a Bimbo Brawl. TNA: Cross the line of progress because we sure cannot.

Got a kick out of Kong swirling around a steel pipe. Kong than tries to do a Terry Funk and the flying steel chair causes a deep gash into the head of Roxxi. Now, typically the announcers would show some concern here. After all, wrestlers are humans too. Not every wrestling fan wants to see blood and guts all of the time. But TNA are ratings whores, so we got this from the announcers: "OH MY GOODNESS LOOK AT ALL OF THAT BLOOD IT IS GUSHING OUT LIKE A FOUNTAIN IT IS EVERYWHERE IT IS GRUESOME AND BARABIC OH IT IS SO HORRIBLE REPLAY THAT AGAIN RATINGS RATINGS RATINGS" and so on. Do the announcers have to sound so giddy when somebody gets busted open? I guess so. Wrestling is violent, but the announcers do not have to play it up like it was backyard wrestling or some crud.

Kong then begins to lick Roxxi's blood. Why is Kong not in the videogame? ODB at the end of the match hits Slick Johnson, the ref, with a steel chair. Mike Tenay then says, "I wonder how the Knockout Law Traci Brooks is going to react to this". Wha? Traci? Oh yeah. That thing. You know what would make it this bit more effective? If there was actually something done about it on the current show. But man, time had to be put aside for those really awesome beauty contest bits.

IMPACT'S FINAL VERDICT: Very Absurd

Nash was the star of the show. The interaction between Joe and Nash was well played, and it was really the only part of the night when the show clicked. Joe had some good bits (but had a stinker at the end trying to be Sting). Cage looked very good in his promo. Some people might say that I am stretching here but these bits took planning and they paid off well. Too bad Angle and Booker look like two generic heels leading into the PPV. The duds of the night were the announcers (hyping X Division during Abyss-Cage, sounding gleeful when Roxxi got hurt, and mostly sounding like they were reading directly from a script), the lackluster Jeff Jarrett return, Beautiful People awkward bits, nearly endless run-ins, no love for LAX-Beer Money, Frank Trigg terror, and PPV buildup that could have been handled much, much better. If TNA actually focused more on building feuds instead of chasing for ratings (often TNA will sacrifice their PPV buildup for rating gimmicks that do not go anywhere, such as Angle's gold medal and ref punking out Bashir), then they could have something on their hands. But as it stands now No Surrender is built on mostly potential. I hate this because what would lead me to believe that buying No Surrender is going to be a good idea? Not exactly hitting it out of the park.

"The Absurdity of it All" will appear every Wednesday and Saturday. Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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