By Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Smackdown review
February 5, 2004
Taped 2/3/04 in Cleveland, Ohio
Aired on UPN
Report by Dusty Giebink, Torch Beat Political Correspondent

In a nutshell: Dawn Marie! And, could this be the week that Big Show finally defends the U.S. Title?!

Trivia Time! Greetings and salutations, fellow beings! Once again, it's time to roam through the inevitable as we start off another edition of your favorite column by throwing free trivia your way. Unlike other parts of the infamous IWC, we do not give away free things in order for you to prove your worth in the intellectual sphere of life. No siree, Bob, we throw it to you quickly and without the lingering embarrassment of prizes that need to be explained when the in-laws drop by your trailer home and wonder why the bathroom is overrun with newsletters of an odd nature. (No ma'am, I was just doing research on an upcoming 'zine we're creating; it's called it the "Steel Chair". Yes, it's about wrestling, and, no, it's not all fake.)

Anyway, let's look around the sports world and see what pops up. . .Isiah Thomas, one of the guys we outright banned from the Gumgod Hall Of Fame because he's so full of himself he'd need to be triplets to hold it all. Well, the Knicks beat the Pacers Tuesday night, and the Boys from New York City act like they've stormed the Bastille in the name of French Revolution. "It's not about me, it's about the players, and they played well tonight,'' Thomas said. "I have a tremendous amount of respect for the Pacers, they're a great team. It's a long, long way to go, and our players were great tonight.'' We filtered that into the Kayfabulator 5000, and after more sputtering and bleeping than a Shaquille O'Neill interview, we received this response, "It's high time the Man finally gets a taste of what he deserves. F- him and his hayseed team. This isn't about the Knicks beating the Pacers, this is about me. Who cares that I couldn't motivate a flea to bite a dog? Who's worried about the fact that I took a team that should have won two conference championships and ran them into the ground deeper than a fence post? I'm a genius and I'm a winner! Whoooo!"

I would say there was a football game this past Sunday, but apparently it featured Janet Jackson. Goodness, in the past the only boobs they bothered to cover are the idiot players who can't keep out of trouble before the big game. (Paging Eugene Robinson, a woman would like to talk to you for a second.) I don't want to sound old, but remember when people like Leslie Easterbrook were the celebrity talk of Super Sunday? And all she did was sing the National Anthem one year. That shot her to fame and fortune in a slew of Police Academy films as "the cop with the big knockers". Come to think of it, it all comes down to the mams. Boobs on the field, boobs in the stands, boobs at halftime. Ironically, the only place there were no boobs to be seen was at the Lingerie Bowl. Need any more sports info, you can always go here to my friends at the Sports Pickle.

There is also a new wrestling promotion close to where myself and your friend Keith Lipinski are located. Midwestern States Pro Wrestling has hit the webwaves and has shows around the outer rim of Chicago's expansive suburbian area, namely the towns of Wheaton, Crest Hill and Joliet, Illinois and Hammond, Indiana. Check out their little Keebler tree right here. But, enough of the foolishness - onto Trivial!

1. We ran into Al Snow, you know him. Formerly known as Skunk Head, he has now dyed his hair all one color and it looks as phony as ever. If you haven't seen it, then you haven't been keeping up on your Heat recaps. Well our buddy Al is celebrating a momentous occasion, as it is five years this Saturday that he lost the Hardcore title match from which of the following legends in the Mississippi River? (Bonus: Who was the big wimp that had to vacate the "Hardcore" title due to injury?)
a) Crash Holly
b) Hardcore Holly
c) Molly Holly
d) Boughs and Holly

2. Speaking of hard-nosed wrestling, Sunday Night Heat is breaking out of their squash-match format as they featured which of the following matches as this past Sunday's main event on the little-watched program?
a) John Heidenreich vs. Steven Richards, again
b) Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton
c) Booker T vs. Matt Hardy V1
d) Batista & Ric Flair vs. The Hurricane & Rosey the Big S.H.I.T.

3. Jerry Lawler wrote a really interesting book, in case you haven't heard. One of our favorite parts was when which of the following executives got pissed off about a story in one of those so-called "Apter mags" about a midget beating Andre the Giant, yelling about how Andre needed to be protected by the industry?
a) Jim Crockett
b) David Crockett
c) Paul Boesch
d) Vince McMahon Sr.

4. Lance Storm, the lovable Dancin' Machine and charisma magnet, recently decried which of the following countries as being the most disgusting, disease-ridden places on God's forsaken place called Earth?
a) India
b) Indiana
c) Canada
d) The United States
e) England

5. Bonus Trivia: Kevin Nash can't even act without getting hurt.

Answers at the end of the second hour!

BUT FIRST! I apologize for this being late. I’ve been sick lately, and the cold medication knocked me right out last night. Does that speak well for the quality of this show? Or was that an isolated incident underscoring the sheer entertaining-ness of this program? Well, there’s no other way to find out than to roll that videotape. . .

On to the show!

***We start with Paul Heyman in the ring, hat-less. He reminds us that Eddie Guerrero won the Smackdown Survivor Series last week and thus will be taking on Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title in ten days at the No Way Out PPV. If you thought that was the pinnacle of excitement and action for Smackdown, you were sorely mistaken. This is because later on in the show, Paul Heyman will walk back down the aisle and come back into that very ring. He’s not doing this for his own health. No sir, he’s doing it because at that time he will announce the number one contender for the championship. That person will take on the winner of the Eddie vs. Brock match at WrestleMania. Unlike Eric Bischoff, Heyman vows that he will not talk your ear off. Rather, it’s time for action. Action in the form of the opening match, which will be for the tag team titles.

(1) Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi defeated The Basham Brothers (with Shaniqua) to win the tag team titles. The finish came when Rikishi hit the Samoan drop on Doug for the victory.

Heat Index: On the bright side, the Bashams just haven’t clicked during their time as champions, and maybe this title change will be the spark needed to recapture fans’ attention in the titles. Scotty and the Keesh are entertaining house show favorites, so maybe fans will be looking forward to seeing their defenses at the live shows.

JOB Failure: Meanwhile, back on Planet Earth, the Bashams were really put in a position to fail from the get-go. Giving them, by my count, exactly one interview (which of course took place on Velocity so nobody would see it) doesn’t amount to proper character development. The Bashams were both entertaining characters and good interviews during their time in Ohio Valley. They were not allowed to put any of those skills on display during their reign with the gold.

Kayfabe Factor: And, worst of all, of all the teams on the roster, and admittedly there aren’t very many, Scotty and Keesh are one of the last ones I would choose to put the belts on. Good pops at house shows do not equal ratings. These guys are simply not title-worthy, especially in their current gimmick. Also, I should note that if they want to send a message to Rikishi that he should really lose some weight, rewarding him with a title belt probably isn’t the way to do that.

***We are shown highlights of Scotty and Rikishi winning the titles, because we all have ADD and can’t remember what happened just a few minutes ago.

***From last Thursday’s show, Paul Heyman is pitching his idea of having a 15 man Royal Rumble to determine the number one contender to Brock Lesnar’s title at No Way Out. Meanwhile, Eddie Guerrero got laid out backstage and, technically speaking, “he’s hurt.” Heyman tells Kurt Angle that it’s probably a good thing for him that Eddie isn’t there, as it increases the likelihood of him (Angle) winning. However, that was all speculation, as when it was time for Eddie to hit the ring, he managed to get to the ring.

The final two in the Rumble were Eddie and Angle. Fast motion clips air of their battle, featuring many near eliminations and much action. Eddie blocked an Angle suplex attempt, and then gave Angle a suplex of his own, sending Angle to the arena floor to win the Rumble and become the number one contender. Eddie celebrating afterward was great. In something completely unrelated, Big Show is going to take on Billy Gunn. . .NEXT~! But that’s not all, my friends. It’s going to be for the U.S. TITLE~!~! That’s right, he’s finally putting the belt on the line. Rejoice!

***Dawn Marie, looking so fine, walks into John Cena’s locker room. He reminds her that his sneakers aren’t the only things he can pump. Out comes Paul Heyman to spoil their fun. Cena liked the Janet Jackson escapade at the Super Bowl. Heyman, however, is looking out for the interests of America’s children. Cena says something not fit for British school kids, suggesting that Heyman shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce. Heyman can’t in good conscience allow Cena to come to the ring sporting a mouth like that. So, Cena is benched. However, Cena won’t be sent home, because Heyman wants Cena to see who is going to be named the number one contender for WrestleMania. Heyman speculates that Cena is going to find this announcement to be very interesting.

(2) Big Show defeated Billy Gunn to retain the U.S. Title. The finish came when Show blocked a Fameasser and slammed Gunn “to the mat below,” according to Michael Cole.

Heat Index: This match was about as good as one would expect from a match between Billy Gunn and Big Show where Show was dominating on offense pretty much throughout. In other words, the less said about this match, the better.

JOB Failure: I don’t have the best memory in the world, but I remember a few times during the past month or two where Big Show won non-title matches. There were a few times where he lost non-title matches. However, I can’t remember a single time before this show where he actually defended his title. Well booked titles draw money and sell tickets. The U.S. Title is not a well booked title.

Kayfabe Factor: Far be it from me to be an advocate of constant changes in the department of entrance music. A wrestler’s entrance music should be something very familiar that lets fans know instantly which wrestler is coming to the ring. It’s actually a pretty important, understated thing about wrestling. Having said that, both of these guys need new entrance music bad. Seriously.

***Chavo and Chavo Sr. Guerrero are backstage with Paul Heyman. They claim they had nothing to do with the attack on Eddie last week. Heyman believes them immediately, which was hilarious. Chavo has no problem with Eddie, but he’s starting to have a problem with Rey Mysterio. He hates that Rey Rey is on the cover of the latest Smackdown magazine and thinks his wearing a mask shows he has something to hide. Heyman grants Chavo a Cruiserweight title match against Mysterio at the PPV. Chavo likes that. In fact, he’s going to win the belt, and then take his mask off. Chavo Sr. adds that after, he’s going to give Rey Rey the spanking he deserved as a child but never got. Well, that was disturbing. Standing next to each other like that, Chavo Sr. looked like Latino Heyman. Kinda.

***Michael Cole is in the ring, and with his facial hair, he looks ridiculous. He sorta looks like the upside down reverse of what former Milwaukee Brewers baseball player Richie Sexson (now with the Arizona Diamondbacks) was trying to do for awhile. Or Hitler. In any event, he’s not there to talk to himself, but rather interview Eddie Guerrero, who comes to the ring dutifully upon the announcement of his name. Cole reminds us that Eddie won the Smackdown Royal Rumble last week and in ten days he will be taking on Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title at No Way Out. He wants to know what Eddie thinks his chances of victory are going to be, but before Eddie can properly elaborate on that point, Brock Lesnar hits the ring.

Brock grabs the microphone away from Cole and Cole wisely hightails it back to the announce booth. Fans are firmly behind Eddie, chanting his name. Brock points out that Eddie’s victory last week wasn’t so great, as he himself wasn’t a participant in the match. “You got a point there, homes.” Lesnar breaks momentum by turning to the camera and calling out Bill Goldberg. Goldberg will have a front row ticket for the show to witness the match firsthand. Eddie is impressed by Lesnar’s resume of people he has defeated, and admits that if he had a resume like that, he wouldn’t be afraid of Eddie Guerrero. The thing that Eddie has going for him is that every obstacle that has ever been put in his way, Eddie has overcome. Eddie is great here, going crazy while remembering all the obstacles he’s had to overcome during his life. Lesnar gets back on the mic and says that all these people were right about Eddie; he’s no one. Eddie explodes upon those words and attacks Brock, sending him spilling to the floor. Eddie’s got the title belt in the ring, and poses with it. A sign of things to come? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

I feel like it’s my civic duty to note here that I thought the camera work during the Eddie/Brock interview segment was pretty lousy. The camera man seemed to be overly-shaky, moving the camera around in a short, circular motion. And, at one point, there was a big dip, and then a short circle. Maybe it was just me, but I thought it was pretty distracting. It’s probably just me.

END OF HOUR ONE! Hit the back button and click on the link for hour two, why don’t you? What, like you’re happy with reading just one hour of show review? I didn’t think so.

***Dusty Giebink reviews Velocity regularly for PWTorch.com and now also does the Smackdown Express every other week in a tag team effort with Derek Burgan. He does his for all the PWTorch readers who would rather watch coherent things. No example necessary, just coherent things. He can be contacted at dustygiebink@yahoo.com if you have something to say.

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