KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
NOVEMBER 16, 2009
LIVE FROM NEW YORK CITY, N.Y.

[Q1]

-They showed Roddy Piper backstage on a Piper's Pit set. He introduced Louis Guzman. He plugged his upcoming movie and mistakenly said Mr. T was in it. Piper then bragged that he beat him up and that's why he's not in it. Piper said he heard Guzman is a chef, so he flew in the "Iron Chef." Instead, in walked Iron Sheik. Guzman brought up remembering Hulk Hogan. Sheik interrupted and ranted. Piper something about Hogan (I think) getting his robes at the Days Inn. Sheik then called Hogan a "nobody." Two girls walked into the room and Piper led them in saying, "Live from New York, it's Monday Night Raw!" Piper and Joe Piscopo followed a similar timeline of going from funny to not-at-all-funny.

-The new Raw opening aired. Let's look at who's featured, as it's always fun to read into: DX get the first appearance (no shocker there, as Triple H sat in on enough production sessions to make it clear what's in the best interests of those who put these things together). Then John Cena. Then came in rapid-fire sequence: Miz, Maryse, Jack Swagger, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, Melina, MVP, John Cena (he wasn't first, so he gets to be the first to double-up), Gail Kim, Triple H, Triple H, Alicia Fox, Jack Swagger, Santino, Miz, Bella Twins, Cena, Kofi Kingston, Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes (surprisingly late), Sheamus, Big Show & Chris Jericho, Randy Orton (very late), Kofi, Maryse, Miz, Shawn Michaels (alone for the first time), MVP, Eve, DX, Orton, Kofi, Maryse, Melina, DX, and Cena. (Who was left off among the wrestlers listed at WWE.com? Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Chris masters, Festus, Hornswoggle, and Primo.) It's a fine song with fine production, but nothing that feels all that different from recent Raw openings in terms of the graphics or tone. You always hope WWE knocks your socks off with something innovative that really defines the era (the helicopter on the rootop, the empty warehouse scene with Steve Austin, etc.). This was not one of those. Check out YouTube for cool montages of Raw openings over the years and you'll see how this qualifies as good, but blending in.

-Michael Cole introduced the show and hyped 20,000 plus fans in MSG.

-The Miz walked out. The crowd loudly chanted, "You suck! You suck!" He said he's U.S. Champion and he thought they loved champions, just like the Yankees. He said the world hates New Yorkers because they buy titles. He said he's from Cleveland. A loud Yankees chant broke out. Miz said he didn't have to buy his U.S. Title, he earned it, and he'll prove it by defending it. He said the same person who couldn't differentiate the Iron Chef from the Iron Sheik has told him he has to defend his title tonight. Out came MVP. Miz remains money on the mic.

1 -- MIZ vs. MVP -- U.S. Title match

At 1:00 Miz bailed out. MVP pursued him at ringside and threw him back into the ring. As he went into his finishing sequence at 3:00, Cole said the 1-9 Knicks could use MVP. Miz fought back, though, gave MVP his Skull Crushing Finale for the clean win. They showed Sherri Shepherd at ringside (the "Earth might be flat, I don't think about that stuff, I have kids to raise" lady from "The View")

WINNER: Miz in 4:00.

STAR RATING: * -- A sign of a continuing push for The Miz. He's at that point in a lot of ways that Matt Hardy was during the whole V1 gimmick with "Matt Facts" where if he was protected and promoted at a steady pace, he could have been a money player at or near the top for years to come. Stephanie "didn't get" Matt's gimmick back then, so he was lost on Smackdown in the shuffle and ended up getting to the point he's at now, which - with a tease or false start here and there - isn't a lot different than the Val Venis role. Miz definitely deserves better and with a relatively thin roster, he should get a chance Hardy didn't get.

[Q2] [c]

-A clip aired of last week's disastrous guest host angle with Chavo last week and that fat "boxer" guy (sorry, UK, fans, but he was a lousy host and hardly looked like a world class athlete).

2 -- SANTINO vs. CHAVO GUERRERO

Santino came out wearing a New York Rangers jersey. Yes, the NHL still exists, that's not a nostalgia jersey. Santino removed the jersey to reveal a New York Giants jersey. Then the Knicks, which got booed. Funny. It was obvious a Jets jersey was underneath. It should have been a Brett Favre version. It was no. 6 with "Santino" on the back. He followed with the Mets. Cole made the Mets even less cool by saying he's a Mets fan. Then came a Phillies jersey, which got a ton of boos. Cole said, "That's who the Yankees spanked in the World Series." Cole shouldn't say "spanked." Santino then revealed his final jersey, a Yankees jersey. He offered Chavo a handhand. Chavo turned it into Three Amigos. He climbed to the top rope for a frog splash, but Santino was too far away. So he climbed to the other corner. Santino rolled away. He's a genius. He found the counter to the Frog Splash. Chavo climbed back to the original corner. The crowd chanted "San-ti-no." That's a house show "just-for-laughs" type of routine. Hornswoggle walked out and distracted Chavo, leading to a schoolboy by Santino for the win.

WINNER: Santino in 2:00.

-As Santino celebrated, DX's music played. The crowd popped. Cole and Lawler touted the main event six man tag as one of the biggest ever on Raw. Cole said, "The Garden is a sea of DX glow sticks." Triple H did some mic work. He said MSG is the most famous arena in the world. Until the Knicks start winning again and MSG hosts a UFC PPV, I'd say Staples Center is eclipsing MSG's rep in that regard. Then DX went into their "zany merchandise plugs." Knee-slapping hilarious the 86th time. "Instead of entertaining the fans, let us hawk merchandise so we can add to our net worth and continue Triple H's obsession with drawing more merch money than Steve Austin and Rock (even though it's taking ten extra years)." Triple H said they were going to rag on some people and try to embarrass them, but instead they're going to talk about the big match at Survivor Series. Triple H said he and Michaels have come to terms with the fact that only one of them can become WWE Champion, and as long as it's one of them, they'll be happy. Michaels asked, "Did you say we were going to become a unit." Triple H replied, "Yes, but in a good way." Michaels said he wanted to then turned their attention to "one certain member of the leprechaun community." Triple H said they know he's under the ring and he refuses to listen to logic and quit fraudulently pretending to be part of DX. Triple H enticed Hornswoggle to come out by saying they were going to consider making him a member of DX. Hornswoggle walked into the ring with his glow sticks. He jumped excitedly around the ring doing crotch chops and flexing like Michaels does. They did their "Are you ready?" routine with Hornswoggle, praising his perseverance in the process. But then as they got to the "Let's get ready to..." line, Triple H set up Hornswoggle for Pedigree. And why are fans supposed to cheer this? Why are kids supposed to side with DX? Or anyone? This whole angle is so over my head. The crowd didn't like it. That makes it official: Hornswoggle is more popular than Triple H.

[Q3] [c]

-They replayed Hunter attacking Hornswoggle. Cole (prematurely at best, and more likely inaccurately) called it "another classic MSG moment." Lawler pluggede Jay-Z's "Empire State of the Mind" and the CD. Lawler said no one wants to fail in MSG. Lawler said WrestleMania was born in MSG. Cole (inaccurately) said Hulkamania was born in MSG. Maybe the WWF version, but Hogan was pitching Hulkamania in the AWA and selling out in the years before his jump to WWE. Cole then threw to a video package of WWE highlights at MSG to Jay Z's song. All the usual moments, plus surprising focuses on Randy Savage, Owen Hart, Eddie Guerrero, and Kurt Angle. No Chris Benoit, but no surprise there. They showed Steve Austin giving Stunners to Brock Lesnar and Goldberg. A vintage clip of Ric Flair flashed on the screen late. Nice video package and very good contemporary choice of song to go with it.

-They went backstage to Roddy Piper, whom they obviously don't trust to pull of his lines live - or they're saving his pop in front of the live crowd for later in the show (both, probably). Piper made some jokes about "nuts" when looking at a coconut and Morton Downey Jr. when he saw a fire extinguisher when in walked Jericho. Piper blew his nose as Jericho talked. In walked Chris Masters who did his pectorial muscle dance routine. The Bella Twins walked in and were impressed. Jericho's torso is beginning to look like Iron Sheik in the mid-'80s.

-They showed the Black Eyed-Peas, TABOO and apl.do.ap, in the front row. Lawler declared he loves them. They showed a split screen of Alicia Fox and Melina heading toward the entrance tunnel. [c]

[Q4]

-WWE Fact: The WWE Supestars just completed a 22 show, 2 week tour of Europe performing in front of over 170,000 people.

-Justin Roberts introduced Judah Friedlander, the Gabe Sapolsky-looking member of the "30 Rock" cast. He handled ring introductions for the next match.

3 -- MELINA vs. ALICIA FOX -- Lumberjill Match for the Divas Title

Judah said before the match he was there for two things - to watch Melina's entrance and to declare it a Diva's Championship Lumberjill match. Out came Kelly Kelly, Mickie James, Eve, Michelle McCool, Layla, Jillian Hall, and Eve. Cole said all of those Divas would be part of the Divas' traditional Survivor Series match on Sunday.

WINNER: Melina in 2:00.

-Afterward, McCool attacked Melina from behind. A brawl broke out with all of the Divas. Lawler said he loved it. Team Mickie James cleared the ring of the heels. They celebrated with Judah in the ring. Cole took a dig at Memphis by telling Lawler he should get a trucker hat like Judah was wearing, adding, "You can buy plenty of them in Memphis." Lawler said Judah was living his dream.

-Cole plugged that Piper was up next. [c]

-Justin Roberts introduced Piper from center-ring. Piper walked to the ring as bagpipes played. Cole talked about Piper memories from MSG. He got what came across as a polite response. They zoomed in on a crowd shot of people looking disinterested, which can't be an accident; there had to be some fans who felt something for him. Piper told the fans he loves them as the first hour came to a close.

CHECK BACK FOR HOUR TWO REPORT SOON


QUOTEBOOK

Miz: "I haven't said one word yet and you people have already chosen to hate me. I thought you people loved champions."

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