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7/31 Impact Review by Wilkenfeld: I guess the wrestlers don't watch this show either
Jul 31, 2008 - 11:15:06 PM |
By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor
Where We’ve Been: Sting is mysteriously haunting the Impact zone, as evidenced by the fact that, in the last two weeks, Booker T and Sharmell have managed to get their hands on black baseball bats twice. This is a surefire sign of the Stinger’s presence because, of course, no one else in the world has black baseball bats. In fact, to prevent people from making their own black baseball bats, stores have now started keeping black paint behind the counter, like they do with Sudafed (only this is actually effective). So clearly Sting is up to no good. Yep, there’s no other explanation possible.
The Show
Our regular intro is replaced by footage from TNA’s upcoming video, as have the superstar entrances. This is actually a very clever cost cutting measure. As another plus, if video game skills become pivotal in professional wrestling, Shelton Benjamin will finally claim his rightful place as the highest paid athlete in sports entertainment.
King Booker, in his locker room, tells JB that he’ll have a special friend there later tonight when he gives Samoa Joe a tour of the Six Sides of Steel.
(1) BEER MONEY (w/JACQUELINE) defeats CHRISTIAN CAGE & RHINO
This is for a shot at LAX’s tag team gold, making it impossible to predict whether the team feuding with LAX or the random team of two singles stars with a different feud will win this match. Christian goes for a Tornado DDT on James Storm, but Storm fights him off and takes his place on the top rope. Christian catches him with a Super Diamond Cutter (was that the Diamond Dream?) for two. Roode comes in, but Cage tosses him right out. He and Rhino introduce Beer Money to a Meeting of the Minds, but when they role Roode back in Storm takes a second to spit beer in Cage’s face. Christian slows on his way into the ring, and Roode recovers enough to knock him all the way to the barricade.
[Commercial Break]
Beer Money hit a double-team Suplex on Cage as we get back. Roode, realizing we’re back from commercial, starts rocking the Chin Lock. He sets Cage up on the ring-post, but Cage fights him off with a leg than hits a Tornado DDT. He gets the tag to Rhino, for whom the crowd comes alive. A Spine Buster on Storm gets broken up at two. Cage comes in, tosses Roode, and hits an Inverted DDT on Storm. He goes for a Frog Splash, but catches Brother Ray running up the ramp and nails him with a Cross Body Block. When the ref goes to check things out, Johnny Devine comes into play with a kendo stick, but Rhino just kills him. Storm picks up the kendo stick, but eats a GORE before he can use it. Roode pulls the ref out at two, and Devon runs down to take advantage. Things don’t go well for Devon, and Rhino has another GORE set up when Jacqueline grabs a leg. Cage goes to the outside to get rid of her, and as the ref deals with that Roode picks up the fallen kendo stick and whacks Christian. He also gets in a shot on Rhino in the ring, who falls backwards into a 3D. Team 3D clear the ring as the ref comes back in and Storm covers for three. That’s one of the strongest losses I’ve ever seen.
After the match, Christian grabs the mic. Team 3D have screwed he and Rhino for the last time. So at Victory Road, he’s thinking that they’ll have a match in Team 3D’s backyard of New Jersey, in Team 3D’s match—a New Jersey Street Fight—and they’ll see who finally ends who. I love how he gets Team 3D to believe that it’s “their” match by just changing the name.
[Commercial Break]
Not-Crystal is in the back with The Rock & Rave Infection. Christy Hemme accepts a Grammy on behalf of her team. Not-Crystal informs them that they’re here for a match, and they rant incoherently for a bit.
(2) CURRY MAN, SHARK BOY, & “BLACK MACHISMO” JAY LETHAL (w/SOCAL VAL) defeat JOHNNY DEVINE & THE ROCK & RAVE INFECTION (w/CHRISTY HEMME)
Apparently TNA’s still using their “Random Booking Generator”. At least this week it didn’t give us anything with VKM. Lethal takes Devine out with a Suicide Dive for a hot start. Shark Boy beats down Rave, but eats a Big Boot from Rock. Curry Man takes down Rock, and when Christy tries to get involved he—dances with her? CM shoots Rave off into the ropes, but he comes back with a Running STO. Others clear the ring as this finally becomes a tag match. Rock makes the tag, and a Double Elbow Drop gets two. Devine comes in and hits a weird high knee in the corner. There’s another quick tag to Rave, who Irish Whips Curry Man. CM comes back with a leaping lariat and gets the tag in to Lethal, who’s almost literally a blur of offense. When he goes for the Savage Elbow on Devine, Rock knocks him down and we’re back to a brawl. Lethal and Devine end up in the ring, where an attempted Devine Intervention is reversed into a Lethal Combo for game.
After the match, Lethal invites Val to join him in the ring. The crowd’s chanting for him to ask her, and they’re pretty quick, because he gets down on his knee. He says he’s going to try this again, but when he goes to slide the ring back off and on, he realizes it’s not there. She says she must have lost it, and he doesn’t understand how that’s possible. Okay, does anyone watch the program? Lethal says that he can take a hint, and that clearly she never really wanted to marry him. I assume we’re supposed to side with Lethal here, but not positive. He storms off.
JB is in the back with someone I’ve never heard of, talking about lots of country music stars who aren’t on the show. Super Eric comes by, and laments the fate of the two lovers we just saw in the ring. He has a “brain flash”, and realizes it’s his duty to find the ring and save the marriage.
[Commercial Break]
JB is in the back with Samoa Joe, and Joe tells Booker to bring his friend Sting so he can deal with them both at once.
We recap the “history” of Samoa Joe, Booker T, and Sting.
JB is in the locker room, and he wants Kevin Nash to talk some sense into Samoa Joe. I thought Joe had his own locker room, or is that what became Booker’s? Did Booker never give the keys back? Nash, not being a moron, asks Joe how he knows it was Sting. Joe says that last week he was looking Booker in the eyes when the lights went out, but that someone nailed him from behind. Nash replies that if Booker has an ally, Joe will need one two, so the two of them should go work out a plan. Joe, deciding that right after a mystery person knocked him with a baseball bat from behind is a good time to finally start trusting Nash, agrees.
Seriously, if Nash is Booker’s friend it is way too telegraphed. If not, this is a very clever fake. I’m pretty confident where my money would go.
[Commercial Break]
Booker T is in the ring, now surrounded by the weapons laden Six Sides of Steel. I do find the ladder in the ring interesting. To prove what a gentleman he is even while at war, Booker is going to invite Joe down to his Six Sides of Steel. Booker promises that tonight, the lights will not go out. Given TNA production values generally, I’m not sure I would ever make that promise. Joe comes through the crowd, telling Booker that he’s sadly mistaken. He stops at the cage door, and warns Booker that if he comes into that ring he’s beating Booker’s ass, and the lights that go out will be Booker’s. We get a “Joe’s gonna kill you chant”, probably because it sounds better than “Joe’s a frick’n moron”. Joe comes in, and Booker says he’s a fool to come without backup. Joe points out that he does have backup, and busts out a security baton. Booker tries to back out of the cage, but Nash is standing at the door. Joe starts pummeling Booker T. Sharmell runs down to the ring, but Nash intercepts her and carries her off. While Joe is watching that action, a black baseball bat lowers from the rafters, and Booker tees off on Samoa Joe. Tenay, who is supposed to be “the professor” for his amazing understanding of professional wrestling, starts damning Sting. You know what? This isn’t cool. Sting, or someone cooler than Sting, better be turning heel, or I’m annoyed. But he isn’t, and so I am.
Sheik Abdul Bashir talks about how we have no one to blame for poverty but ourselves, wasting money on war and hiding away in our TVs. They say if you don’t learn from history you’re doomed to repeat it, and so maybe our problem is that we don’t have any history of our own. That was a bit more cartoon-y than last week, but still on the “sane” side of the line.
[Commercial Break]
AJ Styles is inside the Six Sides of Steel, and he wants an explanation from Sting. AJ’s been defending him for three weeks, and he’s sure there’s a reason for what’s going on, but he wants to know what it is. Why does his bat keep knocking out Samoa Joe? His bat is knocking down Samoa Joe, one of the good guys here, and now he’s hiding. Why is he hiding? AJ never thought he’d call Sting a coward…and that seems to be the magic word, as Sting’s music hits. When the lights come back though, it’s Kurt Angle standing behind The Phenomenal One. He hits an Olympic Slam on AJ, waits for him to get up, and then hits another one. Angle stalks his prey, begging him to get up one more time. AJ very slowly gets up, and takes one more Olympic Slam.
That fake out was extremely effective, and AJ’s passion during the promo was impressive.
JB is in the back with Shark Boy, Curry Man, and The Beautiful People. They ask Shark Boy whether the mermaids aren’t taking his money anymore, and he calls them ignorant sluts. I would not have thought you could say that on TV. Curry Man explains that they’re just here for the ring, but that maybe afterwards…and some comical miming ensues. The Beautiful People toss them from the locker room, and Love assures Sky that some mysterious “she” will be ready for their match. Holler. Curry Man pops his head back in and asks if maybe they’d like to see how delicious he is, then very apologetically backs out of the room again.
Curry Man was fun, but otherwise no.
[Commercial Break]
Not-Crystal is in the back with Petey Williams and Rhaka Khan, and she wants to know how he’s preparing for his match against Consequences Creed. Petey runs down his absurd work-out routine. As for Creed, he must have convinced himself that he’s some type of superhero, which reference gives him an excuse to bust out his Arnold impersonation. Not-Crystal suggests that maybe he’s taking Creed a bit lightly, but Petey wants to know why he shouldn’t. Who has Creed beaten? To be someone in this business, you have to beat someone, but Creed’s so insecure he dances around in red, white and blue, pretending to be a character from a movie.
That was good stuff.
(3) CONSEQUENCES CREED defeats PETEY WILLIAMS
The crowd is massively behind Creed to start, which is no small feat when you’re in the ring with Petey Williams. Petey’s half of the crowd just responded, and we’ve now got dueling chants. Petey starts in control, but Creed hits his quick strikes and starts up a USA chant. Didn’t Petey once take a brutal beating to protect our American flag? A Cross Body Block gets two. A Springboard Bulldog gets two more. He charges in the corner, but Petey Back Body Drops him out to the floor and takes him down with a Hurricanrana off the ropes. He rolls Creed back into the ring, and a Slingshot Codebreaker gets two. Petey hits a Spinning Wheel Kick, and takes a moment to pose for his fans. He lifts Creed up and slaps him in the face, then dropkicks him down for two. Creed starts fighting back, eventually nailing a kick to Petey’s head. He follows up with a Stinger Splash and a clothesline. He takes Petey up in a Death Valley Driver position, but Khan gets up on the apron. Creed goes and shows her some moves, then dodges a charging Petey. Khan gets knocked down, and Creed hits a Lifting Neck Breaker for two. Petey gets up and looks for the Canadian Destroyer, but Creed stays on his feet. Petey tries to convert it to a Sunset Flip in mid-move, but Creed sits on his chest and gets the surprise three count. He signals that he wants the belt.
The Prince Justice Brotherhood is looking for the ring in LAX’s part of the arena, but Salinas says that they don’t want to mess with people from the streets. Shark Boy starts to get angry, but Curry Man says that since he’s from the mean streets of Tokyo he can speak their language. Shark Boy points out that he doesn’t even speak our language, but they give it a try. He calls LAX “homeboys”, says that he’s “repping” the orange and yellow, etc. Homicide cuts him off and says that he doesn’t know what either one of them’s reppin’, but if Curry Man doesn’t want to become a Happy Meal he’ll get out of their business. Before things can escalate, Super Eric shows up and says there’s been a big break in the case. I really don’t know why they felt Homicide needed a mouth piece—he has a different sound, but he’s plenty effective.
[Commercial Break]
Not-Crystal is in the back with AJ Styles, and she wants to know whether Sting was involved in the attack on AJ earlier. AJ says it was either that or magic, and he doesn’t believe in magic. Apparently he doesn’t believe in entrance technicians either. He says that Kurt can lay him out from behind tonight, but at Hard Justice he’ll lay him out in front of everyone. But he won’t settle for a three count—he wants a Last Man Standing Match.
Cornette comes out to hype Hard Justice, and it’s filling out nicely.
We’re back with Kaz in Karen’s Angle, and he talks about his return to TNA and surprise triumph in the Fight for the Right Tournament. She asks how he felt about losing the Ultimate X Match at Hard Justice, and he says he’s embarrassed to have let down his company and his team. She asks where he goes from here, and he says that since it’s better to burn out than fade away, as of the end of this interview he is no longer on the TNA roster. I honestly don’t know where they’re going with this one, unless he just needs some time off. Or he could come back as Curry Man’s comical side-kick.
After Kaz left the set, Tomko came by and plopped himself down in the interview couch. He says that he’s there by request of Kurt, to make her life a living hell. He creepily turns off the camera. It was nice of him to let her finish the two-part interview segment.
[Commercial Break]
Not-Crystal is in the back with Kevin Nash, and she wants to know what’s going through Sting’s mind. He says that he’s known Sting when he’s in this mood, and it’s not pretty. Something ticked Sting off, but before Nash can say what Joe comes in irate. Sting’s not the only one ticked off, so he’s going to go up to the rafters and break every bone in Sting’s body.
(4) MATT MORGAN defeats SAL SOMETHING OR OTHER
Morgan’s perfected a cool move where he hangs the guy up against the top rope and hits a Guillotine Drop while jumping out onto the floor. He follows up with the Hellavator, and it’s done.
After the match he grabs a mic and calls out Tomko. Tomko thinks he’s a badass for running around scaring girls? Why doesn’t he come down and prove what a badass he really is. On the other hand, Tomko probably can’t hear a word he’s saying since his head’s so for up Kurt Angle’s ass. Tomko does hear him, and comes down to the ring. They get face to face, and a brawl erupts. Security tries to break things up. Tomko acts like Morgan’s not worth the trouble, but then when Morgan turns his back he goes for a clothesline from behind. Morgan no-sells it, and comes back with a Running Bicycle Kick and a Hellavator. That actually is fairly impressive.
JB is in the back with the Prince Justice League, and Super Eric finally got the idea of watching the show from last week. They see Sonjay pawing the ring, and want to know what they should do now. Super Eric says that the real question is what they should do next week, same Prince Justice time, same Prince Justice channel.
[Commercial Break]
JB is in the back with Team 3D and Beer Money. Brother Ray serenades us with a rendition of “Beer Money are the champions of the world.” People might wonder why Team 3D are associating with Beer Money, but it’s cause they’ve just realized what scumbags Beer Money are. Roode and Storm seem to take that as a compliment. Next week the best tag team of all team will be teaming with the future of tag team wrestling for a no-DQ eight man tag-team match, where they’ll send LAX back to Taco Bell and put Rhino & Christian through tables. He adds in passing that they might even be glass tables.
This week’s Rough Cut is with Taylor Wilde. Nothing interesting is said, but there’s some cool footage of Taylor from Squared Circle Training (whatever that is).
(5) GAIL KIM & TAYLOR WILDE defeat THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
No one else is out to the ring, which makes me wonder if we’re going to finally get the Gail Kim heel turn that’s been coming for three months. Wilde goes to tag Kim, who does seem content to let Taylor stay in. Never mind, Kim just took a tag, and she’s taking it to Angelina Love. She hits a high Hip Toss and a dropkick, but when she goes to run the up ring post Sky, after being fended off momentarily, is able to knock her down to the floor.
[Commercial Break]
Kim is still in trouble when we come back. The crowd has a loud “we want Taylor” chant going as Love yanks Kim around by the hair. Kim dodges an attempted kick and nails a Codebreaker. She gets to Taylor, who comes in like a hurricane. She nails the Northern Lights Suplex, but Love breaks up the cover and chaos ensues. Taylor and Kim go for stereo mounted punches in the corners, but Love shoves Kim out of the ring. Wilde comes down and into a kick from Love. Sky makes the cover for two. They whip Taylor off into the ropes, but Taylor comes back with a Sunset Flip attempt on Sky who, while flailing, knocks down Love. Love gets back up just in time for both her and a still flailing sky to each eat a leg from a Gail Kim dropkick. Wilde finally finishes the Sunset Flip rollup and gets the three.
After the match Angelina Love tosses Kim from the ring, and both Beautiful People start working over Taylor. Kim comes back in and evens up the numbers, when…holy shit, here’s Awesome Kong. Please tell me she’s joining The Beautiful People because she’s beautiful on the inside. That would rule. Not surprisingly, three-on-two does not end well for either Kim or Wilde. ODB comes down to the ring slowly, but when she gets into the ring with Awesome Kong she just stops and stares her down. I guess she was waiting for backup, as here’s Roxxi Leveaux with a chair. Traci Brooks is standing on the ramp looking on.
Joe is looking for Sting up in the rafters, where he sees a raven. They’re just toying with me now.
Where We’re Going: I’d like to talk about Tomko’s release but, taking a cue from the mainstream media, I think I’ll give that story a couple days to see if it’s a work. I’d also like to talk about the random raven at the end of Impact, but I’m guessing that’s just a coincidence, unless I missed the most exciting free agent signing since Kurt Angle (yes, I think Raven’s worth more than Booker T). Instead though I will pause to once again lament the “mystery” of SoCal Val’s ring that could have been solved by anyone watching the program. Granted the Prince Justice Brotherhood is supposed to be comic relief, so we can let that go. But you do have to wonder why neither The Beautiful People nor LAX said anything (though you could argue that the former are too self-absorbed and the latter too grumpy) and mostly it just reminded us of how absurd are all the “misunderstandings” between Lethal and SoCal Val. Lethal hears that his fiancé visits his archrival on camera, and doesn’t think it’s worth looking at the video, or even an online recap? There’s suspension of disbelief (as when Val explains that she doesn’t watch because she doesn’t like violence), suspension of logic for the sake of comedy, and then there’s just downright stupid.
Star of the night: AJ Styles. While I still prefer goofy loveable AJ, serious AJ’s promo chops are coming along nicely.
Overall: There were a couple moderate high notes in the form of the AJ-Kurt interaction and Kong’s return, but a whole lot more silliness in the form of everyone blaming Sting for random baseball bats and theme music and nobody having watched the program last week to see what happened to Val’s ring. C
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