By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
APRIL 18, 2008
TAPED IN ORLANDO - AIRED ON SPIKE TV

WHAT HAPPENED: 1ST HOUR

-The show opened with a video package from Lockdown with the voiceover touting a new live attendance record being set. Clips aired of the chaotic ten-man cage match and Samoa Joe capturing the World Title. Then the opening montage aired and pryo blasted as Mike Tenay introduced the show. He hyped three championship matches were on the show.

-Samoa Joe's ring entrance promptly began. He walked out in a suit and the belt over his shoulder. He winked at the camera and then soaked up some cheers from the fans. Don West yelled that if viewers didn't see the PPV, order a replay so you can watch it again and again and again. Joe said a few nights ago he put on the line everything in his life he holds dear for one shot at the TNA Championship. He said no matter what he thinks of Kurt Angle as a person, he's a warrior in the ring. He said when he was in the ring and he felt his tendons pop in his body, he began losing his will to become a champion and even have a career. He said the one big difference was, when he looked up into the eyes of the TNA fans, he knew there was no surrender or quit and he would be the new TNA World Heavyweight Champion. The crowd chanted, "Joe, Joe, Joe." He said his first TNA Championship run is dedicated to the fans. He said the dedication comes with a promise this belt will defended with respect, honor, and the sweat of his brow and the blood of his fists. Tenay let us know those comments came from the heart of Joe. I was thinking knees, so I'm glad Tenay clarified that. Joe said, "It's real, America, it's damn real." Scott Steiner's music played.

Steiner, Rhaka Khan, and Little Petey Pump walked out to the ring. Steiner said, "I hate to break up this lovefest with all of your redneck fans out here, but I'm here to talk about Sacrifice." He told Petey that when he went through his initiations, we went through his dignity, pride, and honor to earn his respect. He said in turn he's giving him the X Division Title shot briefcase. He said he can use it anytime. West said everything Petey's been through has been rewarded. He turned to Joe and said sacrifice means something different to each of them. He said he sacrificed his whole life and that's why he got a "collarship" (college scholarship, apparently), why he was an All-American at Michigan, and that's why he's a genetic freak. I'd agree Scott's sacrificing a lot to have the body of a "genetic freak." He said, "Looking at you and you're fat (beep), I see the only thing you sacrificed was when it was time to eat four Twinkies, you ate five." He said when he eats a hamburger, he gets extra cheese, mayo, and ketchup. He said bigger is not better, and that's the first time he said that. He told him to curb his eating habits before he has to borrow some bras and girdles from the TNA Knockouts. He called Joe "Genetic Junk." He said he's been a World Champion in WCW, the WWF, and Japan. He said the only place he hasn't been World Champion is TNA, but at Sacrifice he'll be his sacrificial lamb. Kurt Angle's music began.

Angle, wearing a suit and some cool sunglasses, said no excuses, man to man, Joe beat him at Lockdown. He said being the champion he is, he always learns from his mistakes. He said he never makes the same mistake twice. He turned to Steiner and told him he earned his title shot "even though your last big win was against The Road Warriors in 1975 with your idiot brother. But, not to offend you, I'm just making a point here." He told him he has a title shot at Sacrifice, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's going to wrestle Joe. He pointed to a contract that said he gets a title rematch which means he can have his rematch any time he chooses. He said he has decided to have his match right here on Impact next week. He said it's "real, damn real."

-Lauren interviewed Rhino and Christian backstage as they arrived at the arena. They began talking about going to hell and back together. Team 3D interrupted. Brother Ray called Lauren a skank. (Gotta keep that sleazy, misogynistic tone going under the guise of "heels being heels.") Devon asked Christian, "Who are you foolin'." Christian asked when Ray started letting him talk. Devon laughed and told Christian it's only a matter of time before he screws Rhino. Ray asked Rhino, "Terry, what happened to you? The cool animal we used to know in ECW?" He said he's a shell of his former self, "a big puss." Christian told him not to listen to him. James Storm, Kip James, and Bobby Roode walked up behind Team 3D. Seconds later, a five-on-two brawl broke out, with Jackie joining in to make it six-on-two.

[Commercial Break]

-Jeremy Borash interviewed Black Machismo. He said So Cal Val is "the number one knockout not Christy Hemme." He said as far as Repoman is concerned, he tried to take his belt before and it won't happen again today. Sonjay Dutt and Val walked out of the women's bathroom together. Val said she was looking everywhere for him. She said they had to head to the ring. Borash grabbed Dutt to keep him from following them. He asked him what he was doing in there. Dutt said he was just in there talking. Borash said he's no snitch, but he told Dutt he's onto him. Dutt said, "What, my tambourine." Borash said, "Whatever the kids are calling it these days." Funny segment. Dutt and Borash's exchange was really well done. Borash's clothes were also better this week. The big collared Western '70s look fit him better than the aging rock star/hop hop artist look.

-Hermie Sadler joined Tenay and West at ringside. He said, "Man, the X Division, Johnny Devine, Black Machismo, for my money, the best athletes in the world." Gosh, what a compliment coming from a race car driver. It's always so special when "celebrities" patronize wrestling fans.

1 -- "BLACK MACHISMO" JAY LETHAL vs. JOHNNY DEVINE -- X Division Title match

Devine jump-started the match before Machismo could take off his ring jacket. He beat him up at ringside, then brought him back into the ring and applied an abdominal stretch. Sadler promoted Autism Awareness Month and his foundation to battle autism. Machismo blocked a Devine Intervention at 2:00. He went on a flurry of offense afterward including a springboard dropkick, a Lethal Combination, and a top rope Macho elbow for the win. Sadler offered this insight: "He pulled it off, but Johnny Devine took the champion right to the limit."

WINNER: Machismo in 3:00.

-After the match, as Machismo celebrated, Petey Williams came out and swung his briefcase into his face. They cut quickly to a break.

[Commercial Break]

-The beating continued after the break. They showed a replay of Petey DDTing Lethal onto the metal briefcase, then stomping on hit with his head inside. Petey, whose new haircut is a vast improvement, trash-talked Machismo. He told him to pay attention to him when he talked to him, even though he had knocked him out. He declared that his X Division Title shot starts now. West screamed, "Remember he can use it any time he wants!"

2 -- "BLACK MACHISMO" JAY LETHAL vs. PETEY WILLIAMS -- X Division Title match

Petey gave Lethal the Canadian Destroyer and scored the pin. So Cal Val cried at ringside as Khan wrapped the X belt around Petey's waist. Petey flexed while standing on the second rope. Dutt ran to the ring to make sure Petey left and to check on the KO'd Machismo.

WINNER: Machismo in 0:06 to capture the X Title.

-Lauren interviewed Homicide, Hernandez, and Celinas. I'm not always sure what they're saying, but I know I believe them. Celinas got in Lauren's face.

-Matt Morgan walked out in his wrestling trunks to his music. He began talking at double speed again (he - needs - to - slow - dooooowwwnnnn) and not let his voice hit those high octaves when he gets excited. He said the true nature of his relationship with Jim Cornette is now clear. He said Cornette wasn't just his boss, he was a father-figure to him over the years. He said Cornette taught him that timing is everything in pro wrestling and his time is now. He paused, then said having to sit in the back listening to the guys cry about their paychecks or their spot on the card, it's a joke to him. He said to get his foot in the door at TNA he had to wear a suit and watch other guys wrestle. He said starting tonight he's going to make his mark and his name will be remembered for years to come as not just a prototype or measuring stick, but the very blue print of a how giant looks, talks, and wrestles. He said he will prove why he's "the most genetically jacked, athletically stacked giant going today." He channelled The Rock, Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, and Ultimate Warrior in the last part of that promo, and not in a good way. He's much too high on his talking ability right now. He has a lot natural potential, but his delivery is still C- at best. For one, he should never hold the mic in the air as he talks like The Rock. He shouldn't steal Flair's catch-phrases until he's had, I don't know, maybe one or two matches above two stars (and even then, he really shouldn't). He needs to find his own voice, and right now it sounds like a YouTube video of a cocky, brash, articulate 15 year old imitating his favorite wrestlers. It's not where he thinks it is yet. Not even close.

-Lauren interviewed Samoa Joe backstage. She congratulated him on becoming TNA Champion, but now he has a bulls eye on his back. Joe said it comes with the territory. He said he wants the belt more than anyone else has wanted it. He said it's a symbol of excellence and he's now the standard bearer. He said people pay to see someone defend it with skill and heart, not politics. Kevin Nash was shown standing in the background taking in Joe's words. Nash said he welcomes Angle to bring it on next week and he will prove he is that man.

3 -- TOMKO & A.J. STYLES vs. ERIC YOUNG & KAZ vs. LAX (Hernandez & Homicide w/Celinas) -- TNA Tag Team Title match

At 2:00, Young got scared to retreated to the back. TNA keeps the streak going where viewers have no idea what happens in minutes 3, 4, and 5 of matches on TV.

[Commercial Break]

Styles and Tomko isolated Kaz. LAX broke up a pin attempt on Kaz. Chaos broke out. Tomko caught Homicide flying at him, then they tumbled over the top rope to the floor. Hernandez dove over the top rope onto Tomko at ringside. In the ring, Kaz gave Styles a Flex Capacitor off the top rope. Super Eric made his way back to the ring. Kaz hot-tagged him into the ring. Styles turned and recoiled at the sight of Super Eric. West said it's unbelievable how Eric transforms and his confidence grows. He pinned Styles after blocking a Styles Clash and bridge suplexing him.

WINNERS: Kaz & Super Eric in 7:00 to capture the TNA Tag Team Titles.

STAR RATING: * - I enjoy how they hype this as a special show because three titles are at stake, and then deliver two title changes like these two and then expect fans to still take title matches seriously. There's all kinds of storyline justification for the way these two title changes occurred, but it doesn't change the fact that they ultimately cheapen the stature and prestige of the belts, so it's contradictory to then hype title matches at the start of the show as if that will make a difference.

[Commercial Break]

-Styles and Tomko protested what happened to Jim Cornette in his office. They complained about "outside interference" by Super Eric. Cornette asked, "How can he interfere in a match he's in." Styles and Tomko said Eric Young had no idea who Super Eric was. Cornette asked what they wanted. Styles suggested Eric ask if he's different than Super Eric. Cornette said, "So you want me to ask a guy if he's two different people, and if he is indeed two different people, you want me to give you the belts back. Fine. Go away. I'll take care of it." When they left, Cornette told Borash, "If brains were gasoline, neither one of them could propel a fleas motorcycle around a raindrop."

WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR

4 -- TEAM 3D vs. RHINO & CHRISTIAN CAGE

Tenay said "star power galore, big names here on TNA Impact." He said Cornette has labelled this one of two Lockdown Revenge Match-ups. Christian took over a minute in with an uppercut off the second rope. Rhino tagged in and got kicked in the face by Ray, but fired back with a belly-to-belly (no small feat on Ray). Rhino clotheslined Devon to the floor where Ray had rolled to for safety seconds earlier. Christian leaped off the top rope onto both on the floor. West called it "unbelievable!" even though it happens a couple times at least every week. It's time he starts believing! The streak continues as they cut to a break at 2:00, leaving viewers to wonder what exactly happens in minutes, 3, 4, and 5 in these matches that isn't allowed on TV.

[Commercial Break]

Back from the break, Devon was working over Christian. They showed Christian getting whipped into the steps by Ray. He actually flipped over the steps, and then completely blocked with his forearms a head-ram by Ray into the steps, but we can pretend. Devon squeezed Christian's head. Christian stood and punched out of it. Devon raked his eyes. Ray stomped Christian on the stomach, then set up a back suplex off the top rope. Devon stood on his crotch as he hung upside down. Tenay pushed the Joe vs. Angle rematch. West yelled about how amazing it is that the match will be free next week. Christian took Ray off the top rope with a huracanrana leading to a two count. Ray and Christian both tagged out at 10:00. Ray gave Christian a low-blow a minute later. Rhino set up a Gore on Ray, but Ray moved and he gave Christian a Gore instead. Devon mistakenly then clotheslined Ray. Rhino schoolboyed Devon for the win.

WINNERS: Rhino & Christian in 11:00.

STAR RATING: *1/2

-Afterward, Ray and Devon argued and shoved each other. This is a case of just leaving well enough alone. There's just no need to tease a break-up between these two, in part because a match between them isn't a pretty thought, plus they have a lot less value as singles than as a unit. Just let them be Team 3D and book them in compelling feuds and things will be fine.

-Backstage, Cornette approached Eric Young, who was in the middle of playing a game with soldier action figures. Cornette said as ridiculous as it sounds, Super Eric constitutes outside interference. They went back and forth in a funny exchange. "Super Eric was out there and I missed him again?" asked Eric. Cornette said he'll straighten it out in the ring. "First base, Abbot," said Cornette as he left. The TNA Knockouts were arguing in the ring. He said he's sick of them ranting and raving and screaming. "You want to be on food stamps? I am sick and fed up with you ranting and raving and pissing and moaning in screaming. You want a better locker room, you want better catering, you want low-fat meals, you want this, you want that, you want make-up artists." He said they're spoiled. He talked about their long drives to matches in their days. He said they're spoiled now. He said there will be changes made and sacrifices. "Spoiled brats!" he said. They went back to arguing when he left the room. That promo was based on reality.

[Commercial Break]

-Cornette stood mid-ring with Styles and Tomko. He apologized ahead of time to TNA fans for all of the stupidity on this program. (Can he say that every hour every week?) He said he wants to solve this quickly. He explained the Super Eric/Eric Young confusion. Cornette called for Young to come out and explain his true identity to these nitwits. Kaz walked out instead of Young, and he held both tag title belts. Cornette expressed frustration with Young. He gave him to the count of three to get his butt in the ring. He counted to two, and then Super Eric's music played. Cornette said he remembers when he had a little dignity. He asked Super Eric to explain that he's really Eric Young so he can move on. Super Eric said, "I know not of this Eric Young you speak of, fast talking man." Cornette said he's losing patience.

Super Eric asked Cornette why his face is getting red. Kaz told Eric that the joke is over because the tag titles are at stake. He said they can go celebrate if he'll just admit he's Eric Young. Super Eric said, "That I cannot do, tanned handsome ladies man, for I am Super Eric." Styles and Tomko snatched the tag titles back and celebrated. Cornette said Super Eric needs a doctor. He stripped them of the tag team championship. Cornette said everybody in the world saw them lose the tag titles, so as far as he's concerned, there are no champions. He said he's going to think about it until next week.

[Commercial Break]

-Lauren interviewed Kip James, Robert Roode, and James Storm about facing Sting & Booker T in the hardly hyped TV main event. Kip talked about being B.G.'s daddy. He said he owns him and tonight he's sending him down. Lauren asked, "Down where?" He said, "Down there!" Storm called the joke stale and old and said he's just jealous of him because his cowboy gimmick didn't get over. He told him not to eyeball him. Storm said Sting keeps putting his nose in his business and he's sick of it. He said he wears make-up because of bad acne. He said Sting calls himself an icon, but he (Storm) is a bigger star than he is. He closed, "Sorry about your damn luck." Roode cut a promo about Booker T. He said he's stopped his TNA climb in its tracks and he's made his life and his wife's life miserable. He told Booker to bring the clown and the redneck so they can all find out "it pays to be rude." Get it? His last name is Roode. That never gets old.

-Ring intros took place for the TNA Knockouts Title match.

[Commercial Break]

5 -- AWESOME KONG (Ryesha Saeed) vs. ROXXI LAVEAU -- TNA Knockouts Title match

And Roxxi did what to earn a title shot? Remind us here with the PPV footage. Kong dominated for the first three minutes, but Roxxi avoided a big splash and then hit a boot to the race for a near fall. Roxxi avoided a Kong spinning backfist, then hit a spinning neckbreaker for another two count. Kong came back with her spinning backfist, connecting this time, and then gave her an Awesome Bomb for the win.

WINNER: Kong in 4:00 to retain the TNA Knockouts Title.

STAR RATING: 3/4* -- Another "big title match" that didn't last very long with a contender getting a shot that didn't feel substantial and without a recap to explain her no. 1 contender status.

-Borash caught up with Angle backstage pounding on a locked door. Borash told him it's not his dressing room. Angle laughed and then began crying. "I'm the champion. I slipped up once," he said. He explained that became a household name by not just being a champion, but also bouncing back. He said next week Joe's going to slip and he'll regain the title. He said he wants Joe to quit wrestling because of a beating he dishes out, not some match stipulation.

[Commercial Break]

6 -- KIP JAMES & JAMES STORM (w/Jacqueline) & ROBERT ROODE vs. STING & BOOKER T & B.G. JAMES

Booker opened against Roode. Roode quickly tagged out to Kip. At 2:00 Sting tagged in B.G. against Roode. Then, of course, they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Roode went on the offensive against B.G. during the break. The crowd chanted, "We Want Booker!" Booker got the hot tag, cleared the ring of Kip, and then gave a spinebuster to Storm followed by the Spinarooni attempt. Roode kicked him in the face mid-Spinarooni, making Booker appear to be a complete idiot for trying to do that in the middle of a six-man tag. Jackie rolled Storm a beer bottle. As the ref was distracted, Morgan ran into the ring and somewhat awkwardly ducked a beer bottle shot and gave Storm a big boot, then flipped over the top rope to the floor. Booker nailed Roode with an axe kick for the win.

WINNER: Sting & Booker & B.G. in 9:00.

STAR RATING: *1/4

-Morgan ducked at ringside at first, but stood and applauded after the match. Booker didn't like that Morgan interfered. Sting tried to talk to Booker, but Booker shoved him. West said Booker has pride and wants to do it on his own. He held a mic and said he doesn't need any help from Morgan. He told Sting what he just said is bull. He told him if he wants some, he can get some too. Tenay's voice nerdily cracked as he said they've been friends for years. They teased a Sting-Booker match next week along with the Joe vs. Angle rematch.

-A video hyping next week's Joe vs. Angle rematch closed the show.

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