Before I get started here this week, I have to say, it’s really bugging me just how bad The Sports Guy is. He’s like the embodiment of everything that is wrong with ESPN. And he seems to be getting worse by the week, too. Now I’m not saying I’m a good writer by any means myself, but if I ever write one of those “I can save (fill in the blank)! Here’s how!” columns, it will be with my tongue firmly planted in cheek. I’m just saying.
Now on to business. If you’ve been paying attention to the DEJ District columns, and why should you, you would know that during the inaugural Ask the DEJ column, I was asked a question about whether WWE was missing the boat by not marketing an official Kevin Thorn hat. So of course I said yes, because about the only way you could possibly get that stiff over is by having him wear a hand clap hat to the ring. Clap along with the mediocrity, folks!
In any event, I promised in that column that this one would be focused on other ways WWE could market merchandise for their undercard wrestlers. See, one of the biggest failures of the post-Vince Russo era has been the lack of depth to the midcard characters. At least with Russo, every midcarder had something to do. You knew Crash Holly’s deal, for example, even if he was never going to be challenging Triple H for top of the card supremacy. So if WWE is just going to give us one dimensional midcarders with nothing to do except get squashed on the rare occasions they even make it to TV (I’m looking at you, Val Venis), the least they could do is make some cheap merchandise with their names on them. Charge 20 bucks and add it to your Uncle Scrooge money bin.
Here are some missed merchandising opportunities, off the top of my head:
Official Chris Jericho pillow. The man of 1,000 nicknames will put a sleeper hold on the crowd as he takes the microphone on the next electrifying edition of Monday Night Raw. With the official Chris Jericho pillow, you’ll be prepared!
Official Jillian Hall karaoke machine. This one is really exciting. You too can be a pop diva just like Jillian Hall with the official Jillian Hall karaoke machine. Comes with microphone and blank cassette, so you can record yourself and play your songs to your friends! Hours of fun for the whole neighborhood.
Official Jerry Lawler binoculars. When you’re climbing that tree to get a better look at the girl next door, these official Jerry Lawler binoculars will come in handy. Don’t let her catch you peeking, though!
Official Deuce N Domino leather jacket. Be the baddest dude on your block with the official Greaser jacket. Ask that girl you have your eye on to go to the soda pop shop with you on Friday night. If you’re lucky, she’ll let you cop a feel at the drive in.
Official Drillbit Taylor sunglasses. Go see Drillbit Taylor, in theatres everywhere March 21!
Official Highlanders kilts. “It’s not a skirt, it’s a kilt!” you can tell the bullies at your school in your worst Scottish accent, right before they beat the crap out of you for wearing a sissy skirt with the word “Highlanders” written on it. In their defense, you probably shouldn’t have worn this to school.
Official Undertaker stop watch. You can use the official Undertaker stop watch to count how long it takes for him to make it to the ring. Watch your jaw hit the floor in awe as you see the minutes add up. Watch your tears hit the floor in shame as you cry about how you just wasted eight minutes of your life that you don’t get back.
Official Montel Vontavious Porter bling. Okay, this one would seriously be cool.
Official Colin Delaney body wrap. You can pretend to be Colin Delaney with the official Colin Delaney body wrap! Pretend you have a new debilitating injury every day, and move the wrap around to different body parts! Disclaimer: this product will actually come in handy if you also purchase the official Highlanders kilt.
Official Kofi Kingston wind machine. If we learned anything from the Kofi Kingston introductory vignettes (besides the fact that he is not the “Hooray Beer” guy), it’s that Jamaica is very, very windy. Dangerously windy. Standing right next to the track during the Daytona 500 windy. With the official Kofi Kingston wind machine, you can recreate that wind. Boom boom.
Official Boogeyman can of worms. They’ll be gummy worms, okay? So it won’t be gross. It’ll be fun! It’ll open up a whole new can of worms! (Shoot me.)
In all seriousness, if WWE is just going to focus on the same wrestlers who were main eventing five years ago, and not try to give the midcarders anything worthwhile to do, let alone try to elevate them to top tier status, then why should we care about them? A roster full of cookie cutter filler is not going to cut it. Thankfully, WWE doesn’t have any serious legitimate competition for the number one spot right now, which is likely the primary reason why they can’t be bothered to create new stars.
In the meantime, you’ll get dumb columns like this one trying to make lemonade out of a situation that has been harped on to death. I don’t have the end-all answers to fix things, but at least I’m not writing columns pretending I do. I just know good merchandise when I see it.
Dusty Giebink is the “D” portion of the DEJ Experience. His columns can be found every Friday night on PWTorch.com, if you are so inclined to read such things. Eric’s column was yesterday, so if you haven’t read that yet, do that right now. And then look forward to Kevin’s on Saturday and Jeremy’s on Sunday. Dusty can be contacted on the VIP Forum, or at theaudioexperience@gmail.com.
LATEST PRO WRESTLING TORCH NEWSLETTER #1037 (16 PAGES)
This issue begins with a cover story on the annoucement on Raw that Mike Adamle is the new Raw G.M... Wade Keller's BBL features a number of other shocking G.M. possibilities for WWE to consider... Page 2 Buzz with Jason Powell features his exclusive insider news galore... Pat McNeill continues his series of articles reviewing the history of Summerslam... Bruce Mitchell continues his series of Ric Flair DVD Liner Notes with a focus on "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers htis week... Part four of the "Torch Talk" with Doug Basham... Sean Radican reviews in detail the ROH PPV before it's offered nationally on PPV... Plus the Torch Newswire, Top Five Stories, reports on Raw, Smackdown, and Impact, and more......
