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DEJ Experience District
Ask the Experience: Thorn Hat, Kelly Mystery, Torrie Theory
Mar 3, 2008 - 5:06:13 PM

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By Dusty, Eric, Jeremy & Kevin, The Experience

This is the first installment of Ask the Experience, where PWTorch.com VIP Forum members and people who aren't too lazy to e-mail us pose questions to the members of DEJ, and we sit on them until something hatches. Heeeeere we go!

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Steve MHW asks: My question is for Dusty. Do you think WWE missed the boat by not marketing an official Kevin Thorn hat?

Dusty responds: Very good question, Steve. I think this problem is endemic throughout the whole wrestling business. What better way to help elevate your midcard talent to main event glory than by marketing character specific merchandise for them. No self respecting wrestling fan is going to be caught dead at school the next day without an officially licensed Kevin Thorn sombrero. Bullies will slap you until you buy one! (I'm trademarking that.) In fact, Steve, I think you inspired my column for this Friday. I'm going to take a look at some missed opportunities in WWE for merchandising for their midcard talent. But to answer your question, of course they missed the boat. You slap the WWE logo on a soda drink hat and have Kevin Thorn wear it to the ring, and you can sit back and count the money.

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The mysterious CoolEthan asks: I have a question for Eric: Do wrestling fans think chicks are hot just because they're in wrestling? I call this the "Torrie Wilson Rule." Thanks in advance. :-)

Eric answers: First, thank you for the smiley face. Now, I have a theory of my own. I have a lot of theories. This one I call the "Mae Young's Prosthetic Breasts Theory." It states that just because a 200-year-old woman disrobes and displays some fake, wrinkly ta-tas on live pay-per-view doesn't mean I won't rewind and watch it again half a dozen times before all of my friends walk out of my house in disgust. But to respond directly to your "Torrie Wilson Rule," I have the "Mom's Basement Rule," which says that if you're 19, jobless and have no respect among your Internet peers, you probably don't get out of the house much, and thus all you know about women is what you learned watching wrestling. And for that reason, yes, even the Torrie Wilsons of the world will appear hot. What you need to do is move into a house with two women who do their impression of a cattle auction every day, and then you'll have a greater appreciation for what's hot and what's not. Seriously, our kitchen looks like a fat tornado blew through here.

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Experience groupie MattheWWFanatic asks: Jeremy, how have you went from referring to Kelly Kelly as "the prettiest waitress at Dennys" and are now drooling over her 1 year later? Side question, how can you honestly think Chiz is hotter?

Jeremy says: Did I actually say that? I compared her to a Denny’s waitress? I really don’t remember that, but if you say so, then fine, I will believe you. I am not sure why I would say that. She is a pretty girl but that is about it. I should have used the “prettiest stripper on the day shift” line instead. She is well built has nice hair and smiles all the time but then so do a lot of the Divas, minus the smiling part. I could also have been in a dark period of my life where I found Chyna sexy and wished Nicole Bass was my secret lover. OK, I never wished for Nicole Bass but Chyna was looking good before her Frankenstein transition. Eric is the one who openly drools over her on the show (Blogger's note: He means Kelly Kelly). This is due to him being a sad lonely man in the fifteen-foot high snow drifts of Idaho. It’s not his fault so let’s not gang up on him. No as it pertains to Chiz; have you seen her? She is not ugly. I find her more attractive in a way I like Eva better than Zsa Zsa. You cannot go wrong either way but if you had to choose one, well the more normal, down to earth style girl is better. Oh, plus she plays in a band. She just has a body type I find more attractive and she has some spunk, or sass if you are over forty. Check out those Podcast A Go-Go’s for more information.

And now, a follow-up question from VIP Forum member Kirk Angel: Is it true that there have been three Kelly Kellys? What happened to the first two Kelly Kellys?

Jeremy responds: The second Kelly Kelly actually still makes appearances for WWE. She and Kelly Kelly 3 pull a Gallagher sort of act and do different shows. They are always careful about being seen in the same state, let a lone the same building, so there is no actual photographic evidence of their continued existence. There was a rustle of trepidation on WWE’s part when Kelly Kelly 3 seemingly received a new, enhanced pair of breasts, but their concern was quickly calmed by the fact that push-up bras exist . Since then, Kelly Kelly 2 has routinely been seen in nothing but ring gear that she can wear such device.

Now, Kelly Kelly 1 is a tragic story. She made the fatal mistake of taking up a fan of her through e-mail. They met up for an internet date where they discussed life, love, wrestling and fine cheeses. Little did she know that on their first in-person date that she had actually been hooking up with an Iowa madman with a large basement? There he promptly, well, let’s say it didn’t end well. He disposed of her body in the aforementioned basement where the sounds of her screaming and his sounds of shoveling and pouring a new slab of concrete were covered by the sounds of his fat roommates shuffling about the house. I hope that helps.

* * *

VIP Forum member the equinoxx asks: Where are my keys?

Dusty responds: I picture the equinoxx putting his life on hold and doing absolutely nothing but refreshing his computer until we answer his question. I certainly hope so, anyway. In any event, you find the key at the end of the third level. Finding it actually unlocks a secret fourth level. Careful now, this level is extra hard and there are actually two boss characters you have to beat in order to defeat the game. Good luck!

Eric answers: Is this, like, existentialism or something? Are you a hippie? What you need to do is retrace your steps. OK, you woke up, you came down the stairs, and then Janet called. Yap yap yap, she said, no she said, no she didn't say. You went to the cupboard for a glass, you opened the refrigerator and got out the orange juice. No. No? No, you were all out of orange juice. So you got out the apple juice. But it wasn't cold. So you needed some ice. Yap yap yap she said she said she said. You reached into the freezer... bam. MY PAPER! The preceding scene, brought to you by Cliff and Vanessa Huxtable, didn't tell you where your keys were, but it provided you with a valuable lesson on something, I'm sure.

Jeremy says: Are you serious? I hope you weren’t waiting for an answer from us. How the hell should we know? But since you asked, maybe I can help. Do you remember where you were the night or day before? Are you sure that wasn’t a man named Carl? I am not here to judge but maybe it’s a good thing you can’t find your keys or couldn’t at the time. Now, since this has never happened to ,I am going to guess and say that they are with Carl/Carla. Where did you leave your pants? At he/she’s house? Is it possible your cellmate took your personal package upon his discharge? Really, I think you need to take a long look into yourself and make some changes. Your keys gone missing should be a sign to turn it around or at least by a pocket chain for them.

Kevin's answer: Owen Hart's ghost stole them and now carries them around Kemper Arena. The clanging noise of the keys is what made the employees notice there was a ghost in the first place.

* * *

VIP Forum member blakout asks: What is your favorite piece of wrestlecrap?

Dusty responds: Akeem, the African Dream. I mean, it's a big fat white guy pretending to be black, wearing a loud blue and yellow outfit that kind of reminds me of that episode of the Simpsons where Homer gets really fat and starts wearing a dress. I remember the Christmas where I got a bunch of the first series of WWF action figures. The first one I opened was the Akeem figure. It was kismet.

Eric answers: Definitely the Heroes of Wrestling PPV from October 1999. I thought my VCR was eating my tape of Saturday Night's Main Event. My favorite part of the show, by far, is the end where Jake Roberts is stumbling around the ring, the commentators are halfway into a thought, and then the sound fades out and the screen turns to the show logo. For no good reason, though, the sound comes back up, you hear this THUMP, and the next thing you see is ol' Coke Machine writhing around on his back with a boot missing. Classic.

Jeremy says: Our show. Yep, it is that simple, just like us. Doink joining the nation would be a close second. What? That never happened, well it should have.

Kevin's answer: I bought my favorite piece of wrestlecrap, the Ultimate Warrior's arm bands and tassles. I use them to spruce up my miniature of Michaelangelo's David because the Warrior considers it indecent to have even artwork seen nude, so I use the armbands and tassles to cover the unsavory portions of the statue.

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Ask the Experience was brought to you by the letters D, E, J and K, is a production of the Experience Workshop. To submit a question, post it in the "Official Ask the Experience Thread" in the PWTorch.com VIP Forum, or e-mail us at theaudioexperience@gmail.com.